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sp0o0kylights · 11 months ago

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Steve’s mother was the black sheep of her family.

Stella hated the snow, and the isolation of the small town she grew up in. Hated the bright colors, and sheer friendliness of the neighbors. How everyone was always involved in each other’s business, at all times--and how getting involved meant sharing.

Giving up your time for the greater good.

‘We’re one big family!’ Her father had told her, and hadn’t understood why she found the concept utterly revolting.

Just like she couldn’t understand why they never agreed with her ideas. Things would run so much more smoothly with more rules, better regulations. They didn’t need to rely on magic when they had spreadsheets.

Who cared if some people were upset? If some of the workers where put out of jobs, or “hurt” by her changes?

That was how evolution worked.

The strongest survived, and the business world demanded only the strongest of leaders.

She didn’t regret leaving.

Didn’t look behind her for a second, all too happy to go to college and find herself a rich man to make miserable.

Even had a child, though they were never her favorite things. Her Steven of course, would be so much different from the children she’d grown up among or the ones she helped oversee for her father's work.

He wouldn’t cry. He wouldn’t shriek or scream or make demands of busy adults. Steven would know his place, and he would stay in it until he had grown into a reasonable adult.

No unrealistic expectations, not from her son.

And absolutely, 100%, no magic.

(Unfortunately for Stella Harrington and her relationship with her son, magic does not obey the whims of one person.

Particularly not that kind of magic, one far older than Stella could comprehend.)

See: Steve knew where he came from. Would never say it of course, outright refused to put a name to it.

Knew better, even when he was young, than to speak it aloud.

Though his mother had long abandoned any powers given to her, Steve was still born with his. When lonely, he often found he could wander into a different kind of woods.

One absolutely covered in snow.

Steve should have been cold in those woods, but he never was, not even the first time he stumbled into them at the tender age of seven.

These trees never scared him. Not like the ones in his backyard sometimes did.

The whole place felt rather welcoming in a way his own house had never been, and as Steve had stumbled along following the faint glow of lights, he found himself feeling more relaxed.

Happy.

Even at seven, Steve was smart enough to know he needed to turn back, after a while. That his mother would be furious with him if he caused her to miss the meeting she needed to go to.

That he had a responsibility to be where she put him.

He hadn’t crested the hill yet. Hadn’t quite figured out where the glow was coming from, when he realized he needed to go home--but his trip wasn’t wasted.

A baby reindeer distracted him.

It peeked around a tree, and upon seeing him, came dashing his way.

Steve should be scared, would have been scared, but something in him told him this creature was his friend. He held out his hands and greeted it as such.

He was right.

A few more little reindeer came up over the hill, running around him, and together he played what felt like a game as he walked back in the direction he thought his house lay.

Said his goodbyes when the snow started to wane and made promises to return.

Found, sadly, that he wouldn’t get another chance too for almost a full year. He was too busy, signed up for multiple sports, handed over to tutors and taught life skills by a parade of nannies, none of whom ever stayed for long.

He dreamed of the snow.

The gentle way the woods felt.

It was what made him tell the lie that let him go back.

Steve was eight by then, and smart to how his parents and nannies worked. That some of them overlapped their stays when his parents went away.

So it was easy to tell Mary that she could go.

That it was okay, really. Carla had just called, she was on her way.

Just like it was easy to tell Carla that his parents' plans had changed. Let her know she wasn’t needed after all.

What harm would it do if he was alone for a night? His father kept telling him he was a big boy. Soon he’d be on his own anyway.

The snow found him faster this time, when he went for his walk in the woods.

Delighted, Steve kept an eye out for the reindeer, fingers skittering across tree bark as he looked around, once again tracking the soft glow that came up over the hill.

It was a long walk to that light, but Steve didn’t mind.

Not until he heard the crying.

“Hello?” Steve called, voice prim and proper as always. It was a little high--Tommy teased him endlessly about it, but he had been assured it would deepen.

The crying didn’t stop, but things got quiet for a moment, in the way that happens when someone was trying hard not to be found.

(Steve knew exactly how that felt, not wanting to be found. Wanting to cry for a moment, without someone telling you to toughen up, be a man, ‘God Steven you’re too old for all this--’)

“It’s okay!” Steve rushed out, trying to locate where the muffled sounds were coming from before they ran away. “I won’t tell anyone, I promise!”

Which is right about when he almost tripped over the other kid.

He was hunched against a tree, knees drawn into his chest with brown hair hanging into his eyes. His clothes were a odd--a little like how his teacher had made Steve dress when they’d done a play about the middle ages.

“Who’re you?” The boy asked defensively, wiping his nose with his sleeve.

“I’m Steve.” He said, before kneeling down himself. “Did you get hurt?”

“No.” The boy sniffled. After a moment he added; “M’ Eddie.”

His eyes were large, and reminded Steve of a puppy he once saw. All cute and round and shiny.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you before.” The boy said and it wasn’t an accusation, but it wasn’t friendly.

“I’m not from around here.” Steve told him. “At least, I don’t think I am.”

It was kind of hard to know, given Steve wasn’t sure where here was, exactly--and absolutely knew better than to ask his parents.

“Well then you should go home.” The boy sniffled again.

Steve wasn't put off by it. Tommy had been a lot meaner than this after all, when they'd first met.

Given their parents made them play together anyways, Steve felt he he could get this kid to like him too.

"I'm gonna, later. I'm looking for something right now though--you wanna come?"

Which he felt was a pretty nice offer. Might distract Eddie from whatever was bothering him.

(Steve liked distractions, when he was upset. It made it a lot easier to swallow down the bad feelings.)

“You shouldn’t hang around me.” Eddie said suddenly. His nose was as red as his eyes, and he refused to look Steve in the eye as he hunched further into himself. “I’m bad.”

“You’re not bad.” Steve told him.

He got a glare for it.

“How would you know?”

“I dunno.” Steve stopped, brows furrowing in thought. “I just--kinda do. I always have.”

Which was true. Steve was awfully good at identifying who was good and who was bad, from adults to his fellow classmates. It had gotten him in trouble before his mother had sat him down, and told him he just had a good business sense.

That he needed to keep to himself who was good and who was bad, especially the adults, because it wasn’t his place to say such things.

(‘But it’ll serve you well in the future.’ His mother told him, tucking an errant strand of hair back behind his ear. ‘Particularly for business deals.’)

“Well you’re wrong then, because I was born bad.” Eddie scoffed, arms crossing over his chest. “Everyone says so!”

It was dramatic as hell, and Steve couldn’t help the giggle that escaped him.

“I’m sorry!” He said immediately, when Eddie’s face flushed angrily. “I’m sorry it’s just--you look kinda silly.”

He mimed Eddie’s stance for a moment, including a dramatic little huff of breath. It unbalanced him, and Steve ended up dropping on his butt, which made him to laugh even louder.

“No one who does that can be bad.” He said finally, through the giggles.

“That’s--stupid. You’re stupid.” Eddie said, except he was clearly trying to hide his own laugh at Steve’s antics.

“I’m not stupid--and you’re not bad. I promise.” Steve said, before reaching out a hand, one pinkie extended. “I’ll swear on it.”

“What’re you doing?” Eddie asked him, but he didn’t sound sad now. More curious.

Curious Steve knew, was a lot better than sad.

“You wrap your pinkie finger with mine. Then it’s a pinkie swear, which is like--unbreakable!”

That’s what Carol had told him at least, and so far it had held true. Steve figured it must work doubly so, in a place like this.

Cautiously, Eddie reached out, entwining his pinkie with Steve’s. Like any minute Steve would snatch his hand back, and tell him it was all a joke.

Instead, Steve bobbed their hands up and down once, before letting go and asking; “Do you wanna go find that light with me? I wanna see what it is.”

He pointed up the hill, toward the glow that had haunted his dreams.”

“Oh that’s boring.“ Eddie told him, but he had a grin on his face that felt infectious. “It’s just the town. I’ll show you something way better!”

“Yeah?” Steve asked, and let Eddie snatch his wrist, launching to his feet and bringing Steve with him.

In doing so his hair blew, revealing that he had pointed ears.

Steve stared at them in awe as Eddie tugged him further into the trees, until they burst into a clearing filled with gingerbread houses. They ranged from teeny tiny, to large enough that Steve and Eddie could walk in them, and it wasn’t long before the two started a game of tag, broken only by laughter.

In retrospect, this was his downfall.

Because the little gingerbread houses were really cool, and Eddie was a lot of fun. It was easy to play with him--like the two of them had been made for each other.

Steve had never connected like this with a person before. Never had so much fun with someone before.

Not even with Tommy and Carol, his very best friends.

Eddie seemed to feel the same way, and not even an hour into meeting him, Steve knew he would remember this for the rest of his life.

Remember Eddie.

Steve ended up losing track of time. Stayed so long that his lie was discovered.

The person who came looking for him wasn’t his parents, but looked weirdly like his mom--if his mom were a boy.

He introduced himself as Steve’s Uncle Nick after he called the two boys to him, hands on his hips in a way Steve kind of wanted to mimic.

Steve knew it to be true, in the same way he knew how to find the forest, and if someone was good or bad. A feeling inside him he could tap into, warm and fuzzy in a way that, should he ever be pressed, he might admit to feeling like magic.

“Now how did you get here?” Uncle Nick asked him, like Steve's presence was a surprising little puzzle.

Knowing better than to lie, sensing that his Uncle would be able to tell if he did anyways, Steve told him the truth.

It got him exactly what he expected, which was an upset adult.

Unlike his mom or dad however, his Uncle didn’t yell at him, or grab Steve’s hand in a punishing grip. No nails dug into his skin, no harsh words were hissed. Uncle Nick simply pinched the tip of his nose, before giving a sigh that shook his massive frame.

“Your mom is going to be very upset.” He said finally.

Like Steve didn't know.

“I just wanted to see the lights.”

“The lights--oh.” Uncle Nick glanced over his shoulder. “Could you see them from your house?”

Steve shook his head.

“No but I could feel them.”

Like a pulse in his chest. A compass, or--a guide.

“He says he can tell who's naughty or nice.” Eddie chimed in, oddly quiet for how loud he had been. “He says I’m good.”

This was said as a challenge, and Steve eyed his new friend out of the corner of his eye. He’d never dared speak to an adult like that, and was both a little in awe of Eddie doing it, and afraid for him.

Something his Uncle seemed to sense.

“Edward, go home.” He said, firm but kind. Not like how Steve's mom was when she was mad, or his dad when he had a bad day at work.“I’ll come talk to you later. Come on Steve, let me walk you back. I best explain this in person.”

Then he took Steve’s hand in his, while Steve called out a goodbye to Eddie over his shoulder.

“You’ll come back and visit, right!?” Eddie yelled back.

Steve shouted an affirmative, even knowing it wasn’t likely he’d be allowed.

(Wished with all his heart, that he'd be allowed.)

“Eddie is really good, you know.” Steve said once he no longer could see his new friend, because it felt important to tell his Uncle that. Necessary, for some reason.

“I know.” Uncle Nick replied gently. “But let’s not worry about him right now, okay?”

“Okay.”

Then they were back in Steve’s woods, the ones that were sometimes unfriendly. In his backyard, and up to the door, and even from here Steve could hear his mother and father screaming at each other, in a tone that made his stomach curl.

“Come on kiddo. Time to face the music.” Uncle Nick told him, and Steve found he really didn’t want to let go of his Uncle’s hand.

He did though.

He was a big boy, and well trained. He didn’t flinch from his parents. Didn’t disobey when his mother demanded he tell her exactly how he got to the fun place, with all the snow--and listened further still when she demanded Uncle Nick take it out of him.

Take what Steve didn’t know--not until his Uncle lost the argument.

Reached into Steve’s chest and did something to him, something that killed that warm and fuzzy thing that had always lived inside Steve.

He cried harder than he ever had before that night. Cried and begged for Uncle Nick to put it back, that he was sorry and he wouldn’t ever use it again if they just let him keep it.

(He promised, he promised, he promised-!)

Sank to his knees and told his parents that it hurt.

They didn't listen, and they didn't put it back.

His father told him to get up off the floor, and then pulled him up when Steve found he couldn’t.

Hauled him to his room, even as his Uncle warned his mother that he couldn’t get rid of it. That he could only suppress it, the same way she suppressed hers, but those words didn’t really matter to Steve just then.

Not when he was hurting, and tired, and found himself wishing for his new friend.

(His mother told him he’d feel better in time.

Steve never did.)

xXx

The hole in Steve’s chest had never filled.

It kept him up at night. The yearning for something just out of reach, tormenting him with a feeling of being hollow.

He didn’t know how his mother could stand it.

Steve stopped fussing about it though--or rather, he stopped the first time his father had slapped him over his complaining.

“Enough, Steven! You’re perfectly fine. Now start acting like it, for fucks sake!” He’d roared, and shocked as he was, Steve had still done what he’d been taught to do.

Toughed it out. Sucked it up. Got over it.

Dumped his entire life into basketball and swimming and other parent-approved activities, even if he felt empty.

He was eight, then ten, then fourteen and soon Steve wasn’t healed, but he'd adjusted.

Got aloof to the pain as his popularity skyrocketed, and his parents left him on his own while they chased the almighty dollar.

(Secretly, Steve tried to fill the void in his heart with parties and people, alcohol and even the occasional drug, though most just left him feeling worse than before.

It was perhaps how he ended up acting as he did.

Turning from the sweet boy who was always helping others, to someone who was fast with their insults. Popularity was a sharks game, and though he refused to participate in the bullying his friends enjoyed, he made sure everyone knew who the biggest fish in the pond was.

Because the hole was always there, in the back of his mind. The thing inside him that was missing, that made him crave the snow, and the lights, and the boy with pointy ears.

He might be able to force himself to forget about all of that, if only the hole in his heart would allow him.)

xXx

Five days before his fifteenth birthday, some random guy showed up in Steve’s yard.

This wasn’t unusual--Steve invited a lot of people over.

Tommy and Carol both had a standing invitation to use his pool and Steve often used it to curry favor with the upperclassmen--but even underwater, Steve didn’t recognize the teenager leaning over to watch him swim.

Plus it was a little weird for someone to pop up on a Sunday.

Refusing to be intimidated, Steve surfaced right under the guy, head whipping up to make sure he splashed him in the face.

Laughed as the other guy sputtered.

“Can I help you man?” Steve drawled, hooking his arms on the lip of the pool.

“I’m looking for someone. Steve Harrington?” The guy told him, glaring as he wiped water off his face.

His hair just touched his shoulders, in that awkward stage of growing out that made him look like a pageboy.

Steve tucked that little observation away for later, in case he needed it.

“Congratulations, you found me.” He said, eyeing him over.

Black jeans with holes in the knees, wallet chain and a black shirt with a faded logo of some band Steve had never heard of proudly displayed. A checkered plaid shirt topped the whole outfit, with a red guitar pick dangling around his neck from a chain.

Like the guy thought he was some kind of rockstar, and not in bumfuck Indiana.

Steve raised an eyebrow.

“Though I think you’re in the wrong place. The audition for the new town jester is being held at the high school.”

He got a frown, like the guy knew he was being insulted but didn’t quite want to believe it. “I’m not here for an audition.”

“You sure? Cause you’re definitely dressed the part.”

“Okay, you are definitely not Steve.” He said, arms crossing his chest. He had a ring on each hand, catching the light as he clutched at his arms. “Steve wasn’t this much of a dick.”

Which wasn’t the first time Steve had been called out for his behavior--but it had never been by the people he was supposed to care about.

Those people, the people his parents liked?

They loved it.

“Times change.” Steve told the stranger. Kept his tone light and playful, the way that always made girls giggle at him and guy’s listen.

Well the ones he wasn’t making fun of, anyways.

“People do too.”

He rearranged himself, planting both palms flat against the concrete, bouncing once to build energy before rocketing out of the water.

Stood, and watched with interest as the new guy’s eyes raked over his naked torso, before his whole face flushed red.

How he looked away, like he suddenly couldn’t bare to look at Steve.

“You shouldn't have changed that much.” He muttered, but Steve already had his number.

"Why were you looking for me anyway?” Steve asked as he went and grabbed a towel. Wrapped it around his waist, but kept his upper body shirtless.

Idly scratched at his hip and watched as the guy acted like Steve had practically stripped naked in front of him.

Weirdly enjoyed the little spark it gave him, to watch this guy appear so affected by his bare chest.

Defensive, the stranger bit out; “We were friends. I haven’t seen him in a long time, I was just checking up on him.”

That made Steve pause.

Really look over the guy standing before him.

The fidgeting, the blushing, the way he avoided Steve’s gaze.

He opened his mouth, an odd urge to draw this out guiding him when the hole in his chest pulsed.

Like a convulsion, a miniature seizure that took Steve entirely by surprise.

It had been a long time since it had done that, long enough to throw Steve off his game.

Make him feel unsafe, unmoored.

Abandoned.

“Yeah?” He wheezed, before covering himself and the flood of wrong/want/need with a harsh cough. “Well now I know you’re definitely barking up the wrong tree. I’d never be friends with a fucking queer.”

At that, the guy’s mouth dropped open, head whipping around to stare at Steve in shock.

"Don’t deny it, I can tell. You’re practically drooling over there.” Steve smiled with all his teeth, even as he struggled to keep his breath even. “It’s disgusting.”

“You know what, fuck you. I thought you were different and you’re not.” The stranger spat, with far more venom than Steve was prepared for. “You’re the same as all the rest.”

He scoffed, before whirling on his heel, middle finger high in the air as he stormed off into the woods.

“Have fun with your sad, beige fucking life!” He yelled, voice a little choked up.

“I will!” Steve yelled back at him, oddly heated.

Rubbed his chest when he was gone, before sitting down to try and figure out what the hell just happened--and why the hell his chest hurt so much.

xXx

Steve’s life remained completely and painfully normal--until Nancy Wheeler.

Nancy and her smile, Nancy and her reminder of what it felt like to be loved.

She didn’t fill the void inside him, but what she did came close.

Felt similar.

Steve found he’d do anything for her, looking at life once again through the lens he had back when he was seven.

It was great.

Better than great--it was the best he’d ever been.

Then Barb went missing.

Shit hit the fan so fast that in retrospect, Steve still doesn’t understand it. There was Jonathan and his camera, with the background of his missing little brother. Tommy and his insults, grabbing Steve up by the collar. Nancy being weird, Nancy ducking him to hang out with the guy who took photographs of them having sex.

Steve's brain tracks it all in little snapshots. The way he realized that maybe Nancy was right--he was way more of an asshole than he thought. How he decided to clean the theater, and then apologize to Jonathan.

(Creepy shit or not, Jonathan’s brother was gone. Steve had never had a brother, but he understood how it felt when something important was taken from you.

How it made you act after.)

There was a shift inside him. Not coming from the void, but from how Steve dealt with it.

And then there was a fucking monster coming out of the ceiling.

This is how Steve learns the magic he once had wasn’t special. That it’s not the only supernatural thing that exists in the world.

Only unlike the snow and gingerbread house and boy with pointed ears and an Uncle that looked a hell of a lot like Santa Clause, this version came with evil government laboratories, the Upside Down and his girlfriend holding a gun.

It was kind of a lot, really.

Particularly because his parents weren’t home.

(They still came home of course, but it wasn’t with the same frequency as it used to be.

The business trips went from once a month, to every other week, to long stretches of away periods. Long enough that Steve spoke to them over the phone more than he did in person, and knew more about business mergers than he ever cared too.

Also his fathers love life, courtesy of his drunk mother.)

Steve didn’t exactly handle it well.

Doesn’t think any of them handled it well, really, even if Nancy blamed him for trying to pretend he was okay. But right as their relationship blew up in Steve’s face, shit started happening again.

Flickering lights and freaky monsters. A group of kids Steve found himself in charge of, who were doing their level best to commit suicide.

(“We’re helping El and Will, idiot!” Mike Wheeler protested in the back of Billy Hargrove’s Camaro when Steve brought up that this was not what being benched meant, and Steve let him have that one given the way the world was spinning.

God that asshole hit like a train.)

Another snapshot, full of fear and fury, and things were over once again.

Steve was telling Nancy it was okay. She could go with Jonathan, that he could tell it was what she wanted.

It hurt him to do it, but he wasn’t going to be like his own parents.

Realized with a weird amount of clarity, that he wanted to be the very opposite of his parents.

Late in the night, feeling every ache and pain in his body but knowing everyone was safe, Steve finally started the long trek home.

He didn’t have his car (he hoped that was still at the Byers place) and he didn’t have his keys (no clue where those went but he was praying it wasn’t in the freaky tunnels) and was well into the middle of his walk when his chest started acting weird. Really weird.

Steve ignored it.

He kept ignoring it, focused on getting back to his bed, and his bed alone.

(Maybe he had been thinking more than that. About how the last time he had truly been happy wasn’t with Nancy, but with Eddie. That he’d give anything to go play in the gingerbread houses again.

Maybe he was even thinking of how warm his Uncle had been, the way he was so gentle when he held Steve’s hand.

How he’d argued against Steve’s parents, when no one else ever did.

It was probably just the head injury.)

Unfortunately--or fortunately, depending on who you asked later--the weird feeling didn't stop.

It grew and grew, until it felt like something was breaking out of him.

Like a cough you’d long suppressed that crawled forcefully up and out of your throat, it both hurt and felt amazing, a pang echoing out through his very core--

Then suddenly there was snow on the trees and Steve was stumbling into a teenager with fluffy hair.

“Sorry.” He muttered, right before he went down on his knees.

“What the hell---” Fluffy haired guy said, spinning around and looking at Steve like he was a ghost. “Oh shit, are you okay!?”

“I’m fine.” Steve lied, even as he gave in and laid down.

Man, this snow was nice.

Comfy and soft, and cold on his face.

There was a string of curses coming from above him, and Steve made the effort to twist his head so he could watch fluffy hair kneel frantically next to him.

“ What happened!? How did you get here!?”

“S’long story man.” Steve slurred, feeling bad and looking worse. His head fucking hurt.

“Don’t suppose there’s a guy named Eddie around? He has uh,” Steve fumbled, hands trying to point to his ears. “Pointed. You know.”

He gestured to his own ear again.

(Figured he might as well ask, given all the snow.)

The Fluffy Hair pulled said hair back at that, revealing his very own pointy ear. “Dude you’re in the North Pole, all us elves have pointy ears.”

The North Pole.

The words Steve had only ever dared to think, and never said out loud.

“Cool.” He said instead, not really feeling like he was inside his own body.

“Just--stay there, okay? My name's Gareth I’m gonna go get someone.” Gareth the elf (an elf, wasn’t that a trip. Did that mean Eddie was also an elf?) said, hands hovering awkwardly in the air, before he darted off, out of Steve’s sight.

“Can you get Eddie?” The question came out in a whine, the hurt in Steve’s chest overtaken by the pain in his head.

He didn’t get an answer.

Which was okay, he thought.

He didn’t really need one.

He had the snow, and the woods that weren’t straight out of a fucking nightmare, and, he could just sleep right here…

“Steve!”

He blinked, and found he must have passed out.

“There you are. Stay with me.” A blurry face was saying. A couple more blinks brought it into focus, and Steve knew this person, even if he couldn't put a name to a face.

The hair was longer, and there were more rings on his fingers, ones Steve could both see and feel as a hand ran along the back of his head.

Worried doe eyes met Steve's own, and just through the curtain of curls, he caught the outline of a pointed ear.

“Ed--ie?” He croaked, unsure.

“Yeah Stevie, it's me. You're okay, we brought you back to my place. Gareth is getting help.”

He was trying to sound reassuring but he mostly just sounded worried.

Not that Steve cared, because he finally figured out why older Eddie was familiar.

“Oh.” He managed, the words feeling like he had to push out. “It was you. By the--pool.”

“What?”

It felt like eons ago. The weird guy, asking after him. Back when Steve had been doing anything he could to fill the void his magic had left behind, and turned into a raging shithead as a result.

“M sorry.” Steve slurred, voice cracking in its honesty. “I was--asshole. M'sorry.”

The look Eddie gave him was wild. Like he couldn’t believe Steve was here, and definitely couldn’t believe Steve was apologizing.

Which was fair. Until last year Steve wouldn’t have ever apologized, to anyone, ever.

“Yeah you were, but we can talk about it later. Right now I just need you to stay awake.” Eddie said instead. It was gentle, a lot more gentle than Steve felt he deserved.

It made him want to explain, more than anything, what had happened.

“I was tryin to fix…the hole. Inside.” Steve needed Eddie to understand. Needed it more than breathing, just then.

“I know, big boy.” Eddie soothed, and his hands were back in Steve’s hair.

It felt nice.

“S’not an excuse, promise it's not. I was hurt--hurting, and--I was mean.” Steve continued. It was getting harder to think, the world swimming in and out of focus, but this was important.

Perhaps the most important thing he’d done in a long time, sans saving the kids from the demodogs.

“It’s okay, Stevie. I didn’t get it back then but I understand better now and…”

He might have said something more. Steve thinks he was, but then Eddie was shaking him harshly, and Steve realized he might have tried to pass back out.

“Come on Stevie, sweetheart, you can’t sleep right now. You have to stay awake for me, okay? Steve?”

Steve tried to shake his head and hissed when he found out how much that hurt. Breathed in and out through the pain, before his brain connected back to what he’d been trying to say.

“Not jus’ to you.” He panted. “Wasn’t mean just to you.”

That was important too. That Eddie knew he hadn't been targeted. That Steve was a dick to pretty much anyone he came across.

“I know. I've uh, been watching you, from here."

“Yeah?”

“We have this giant globe. Like a crystal ball, but it’s set deep into the floor so you can only really see half of it. It can also connect to snow globes, and it can let you see places. Watch people.”

Eddie’s voice was soothing, the deep timber of it echoing through Steve’s chest. Belatedly he realized his head was in Eddie’s lap.

That felt nice too.

“I was real mad at you but the Bossman--uh, your Uncle, he kinda showed me you once or twice and then I started watching you myself. Sorry I know that’s weird--”

“Least you didn’t take pictures.” Steve wheezed and then tried to grin because that was very much supposed to be a joke.

(He definitely had felt more put together when he dropped the kids off in Billy's Camaro--so what the hell was happening? Had the shock worn off? Adrenaline?

Fuck maybe he should have just driven Billy’s stupid car back to his house, instead of leaving it at Max's house.

Asshole deserved to not know where his car was anyway.)

Then suddenly there was a lot of noise and light and fuck did that all make his head hurt. Hands went all over him, people barking orders, and a girl Steve was pretty sure was his age was peering at him.

“Steve?” She asked, but it sounded distant. Echoey and unclear.

“I can’t keep him awake!”

That from Eddie, who sounded much clearer, if not utterly panicked.

“It’s okay, I’ve got him.” The girl said, tight but professional in a way that typically belonged to someone used to medical emergencies. “You can let him go now.”

“Are you kidding me, Buckley you’re an apprentice medmage-!”

Steve frowned at that, but found something was drifting over him. A weight, like an invisible blanket pressed down gently, and he had a second to recognize that this too, was some kind of magic before sleep tried to take him.

He fought it for a moment as a thought occurred.

One last thing he needed to say.

“You’re still good. Eddie. You’ve always been--”

The magic took him away.

xXx

It smelled like cinnamon.

Cinnamon and sharp hints of peppermint, the kind that tickled at Steve’s nose as he slowly rose back into consciousness.

Steve winced as he sat up, head itching like ants were crawling all over it. Idly he tried to scratch at his forehead and found himself touching a thick bandage, at about the same time his body seemed to catch on that he was awake.

It reminded him that he had had a hell of a night in the form of an onslaught of aches and pains.

His fingers traced the edge of the bandage as he took in the cheerful red walls surrounding him. The room was the exact kind of kitschy his mom hated, little twirls of white here and there making the place look like the inside of a candy cane.

The center piece was the full size window, taller than Steve was and twice as wide. Fat, fluffy flakes of snow drifted lazily outside it, some sticking to the window panes as they floated on by.

It was a little like being knocked out and waking up in the Wonka factory, but given all the shit that he had been through the past twenty four hours, Steve didn’t mind it.

Snow was infinitely preferable to the weird ash that came out of the Upside Down.

As if sensing he was awake, the door opposite the window swung open. A tray came through, positively stacked with a stupid amount of pancakes and oozing with maple syrup, the type Steve could smell.

“I,” Eddie announced, head just visible above the good, “had a very embarrassing meltdown when they tried to take you away from me. So suck it up Harrington, because you’re stuck with me now.”

Steve stared at him, mildly concerned he was a hallucination.

“I brought you pancakes.” Eddie added, pausing as he approached the bed like he hadn’t actually thought through to this point.

“I see that.” Steve said, just to fill the sudden, awkward silence. “There’s…kinda a lot there, man.”

So much so it was threatening to escape the confines of the tray and drip down onto the carpet.

“You play sports things don’t you?” Eddie defended, making the executive decision to put the tray down on the bed. “Kinda thought you’d need like, a lot, especially if you're healing."

Steve snorted, but didn’t bother to hide the smile that crept onto his face.

Even if it hurt.

Dragged his gaze from the pile of pancakes now laid before him, to the man fidgeting awkwardly by his bedside.

Realized belatedly, that Eddie hadn’t changed much.

Not since Steve had last seen him, though he never in his life would have thought one of Santa’s elves would wear so much black.

(Frankly Eddie looked just like every other teenage metalhead Steve had ever met, sans the pointed ears. One of which was now pierced and had little metal hoops threaded through it.)

Eddie realized Steve was looking, and bashfully twist a strand of his hair in front of his face.

It was cute.

It made him look cute.

“You might as well sit and help me with this, it’s way too much.” Steve told him.

Which was the truth--Eddie had brought him a shit load of pancakes and Steve wasn’t exactly sure he could chew all that well right now, considering his left cheek was so puffed out it felt like a chipmunks.

Didn’t want to turn down a gift though--or rather, turn down a gift from Eddie.

Who he absolutely still needed to apologize properly too.

“I guess I should start off with a thank you.” Steve began, as Eddie dropped onto the bed. “I think you might have saved my life, though I swear I wasn’t doing that bad off before I got here.”

“Robin said the shock wore off.” Eddie told him. He didn’t wait for Steve to dig in, grabbing a pancake and rolling it up like a sausage before stabbing one end in syrup. “She also said you had a hell of a concussion, two cracked ribs and a literal boatload of scratches,”

Which sounded about right, considering.

“Still though.” Steve frowned, looking at his hands. “I mostly just fought off Billy, the demodogs never got me.”

Something he was incredibly thankful for, given the sheer amount of teeth.

“I think you’re downplaying your injuries here, handsome, you gave Robin a hell of a fright. She cursed in four languages." Eddie talked fast, just like the little boy Steve remembered him as.

It made him grin.

“Handsome, huh?” Steve teased, and regretted it the second it slipped out of his mouth.

He hadn’t meant to call attention to it. Not just yet anyway. Wanted to work his way up to his apology and then the things he had kind of realized on his walk home (and possibly before that, though he thinks he might have…repressed it.)

Given the way Eddie froze, Steve figures he’s got about two seconds to talk himself out of it, before Eddie rightfully shut him out.

“I like it. The nicknames.” He said, which is also not what he intended to come out of his mouth and God he was really blowing this, wasn’t he?

“Steve,” Eddie started, sounding a little strangled and nope, no, he was going to fix this dammit!

“I’m sorry.” He said honestly. “I know I was an ass when you came to check up on me, and I know I said some terrible things to you. I regret it. I regret it a lot, and I shouldn’t have treated you like that.”

“You weren't wrong.” Eddie cut in, twirling a ring on his finger, eyes firmly on it. “I am gay. I am flamingly gay. And I understand if after today, you don't want me here.”

Which apparently answered the question about whether or not elves gave a shit about such things.

(Or maybe they did, and it was humans who cared, and Eddie was giving him an out for it.

Steve figured he’d ask later.

After he had finished groveling.)

“I want you here.” He said, as seriously as he’d ever said anything. “I think the real question is why you would want to help me?”

It was the one thing that didn’t add up. Why Eddie had been so nice, when he’d shown up.

Sure it was one thing to be a good citizen or whatever, help out a guy who was passed out on the ground, but Eddie hadn’t just gotten help.

He’d stroked Steve’s hair. He’d kept him awake.

Hell he called Steve sweetheart.

And now he was here again, right by Steve's bedside, checking up on him.

You didn’t do that for the guy who was a downright douchebag too you, even if it had been a few years.

Eddie bit his lip, before he chanced a look back at Steve, up through his bangs. “Because you said I was good Steve. You were the first person who ever said I was good.”

Quieter he added “And because we were friends once.”

“I'd like to still be friends.”

“Even if I'm gay?”

Steve took a deep breath, and let out a truth that he’d maybe been ignoring for almost as long as he’d tried to forget about the hole in his heart.

“Cards on the table Eddie, I’m not sure I’m not gay Or whatever both is."

He'd heard the word once from Chrissy, but hadn't cared to remember it.

(Regretted that a little bit.)

He got a mighty frown in response.

“Don’t do that. Don’t--joke, like that.”

“It’s not a joke.” Steve said slowly, feeling the words as he spoke them. “I think this is part of the stuff I always just--ignored. Didn’t want to deal with it, because my--”

Steve couldn’t bring himself to say magic, and so, aborted the sentence entirely. “I couldn’t deal. So everything connected to this place, to the rest of my family, to you, I just pushed aside. Pretended it didn’t exist.”

Pretended that he was normal.

Just like his parents wanted.

Then he’d met Nancy.

Realized what he felt about her, he’d always felt about Eddie. That the way she looked at Jonathan wasn’t the way she looked at him--and even then, in the love he had for her, Steve hadn’t looked at her like that either.

Steve had been attracted to her for her yes--but initially, maybe, because she’d looked a little like someone else.

Admitted to himself that he the reason he could clock Eddie so fast back when he was fourteen, wasn't because he was that good at reading people, but because he recognized what it looked like to get caught checking out a guy.

“But I could never forget about you.” Steve added because well. “I’ve never been able to forget about you.”

He’d already said cards on the table, hadn’t he?

Might as well reveal his whole hand.

“You were the last thing I thought of, when I was trying to get home. I wasn’t thinking about my house, or my parents. I was thinking about you. I’ve never been able to come back here, not after Uncle Nick,” He cut himself off again, frustrated that he couldn’t just fucking it, but made himself take a breath.

Continue.

“--but I could, last night. I could get to you.”

Technically he’d gotten to Gareth, who Steve probably also owed a thank you too, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers.

Gareth had found Eddie anyway, in the end.

“I absolutely get if you want nothing to do with that, considering I think I’m just now accepting this about myself but. I wanted you to know. You’re important to me, Eddie. You always have been.”

It was weird--Steve should have felt laid bare. Vulnerable now that he’d laid out all these things he’d suppressed, that he thought taken away alongside his magic.

Instead he felt lighter than air.

Like the weight had finally been lifted and he could breathe deep once again.

For a long moment no one said anything and Steve figured this was it, he’d gone too far, when Eddie darted in, pressing a quick kiss to Steve’s cheek.

He pulled away just as fast. Wide eyes searched Steve’s face, as though expecting Steve to change his mind.

If anything, it just solidified it.

Steve reached out slowly, gently grabbing on of Eddie’s hands. Brought it up to his mouth and kissed the back of it, while maintaining eye contact.

Enjoyed the way Eddie’s face went bright red.

“You’re important to me too.” He managed, voice awed. “You’ve always been important to me. Stevie.”

Finally feeling like he knew where he belonged, Steve grinned back.

xXx

Bonus

“When I said let him sleep Munson, I didn’t mean with you!” Someone screeched a few hours later, jolting Steve awake.

“He was awake when I came in!” Eddie protested, shoving himself up onto his elbows when the women from yesterday--Robin, Steve thought her name was--stormed in. “We fell asleep together after Robbie, I swear!”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Hi.” Steve said with a little wave, before the two of them could screech some more. “I’m Steve.”

“I know, Dingus.” Robin told him, eyes narrowed in fury. “You’re a member of the Clause family, everyone knows who you are.”

“Oh.” Steve said, though it felt less cool and more weird that someone had finally said it out loud.

That he, Steven Harrington, had an Uncle, and that Uncle was Santa Clause.

‘Dustin is gonna freak.’

“I’m sure Mega-Idiotson here hasn’t told you, but I’m the medmage that saw you last night. Or kinda--see I’m an apprentice medmage, but my teacher was kinda out with the Boss seeing someone a town over and time was tight and we couldn’t exactly wait--”

“Breath, Buckley. In,” Eddie teased, before demonstrating a deep breath on himself, hand sweeping into his chest before he loudly exhaled. “and out.”

“Shut up, Eddie, I’m working up to something here!”

“What is it?” Steve said, feeling like if he didn’t interject Robin would take a while to get to the point.

“I might have accidentally undid whatever was on your magic?” Robin rushed out, so fast Steve nearly didn’t catch it. “Like I can tell that’s the Boss’s magic, and that he did--whatever that was, but I couldn't figure out how to heal you with it there and it was kinda already leaking out so I just--took it off?”

Steve gaped at her.

“You fixed me?” He managed after a moment, hand darting out to squeeze at one of Eddie’s.

“Um. Yes?” Robin cautioned, like she wasn’t exactly sure that’s what she did.

“Oh my god. Oh my god!” Steve laughed, then felt absolutely stupid for not checking in with himself.

Because Robin was right.

The hole was gone--and his magic was back.

How had he not noticed that his magic was back!?

“Eddie, Eddie she’s right--I have it back!”

He turned in bed, dropping Eddie’s hand so he could cup his face and kiss him instead.

“Okay, I don’t need to see this--” Robin complained, but Steve didn’t care.

Could only laugh delighted into Eddie’s mouth, before Eddie deepened the kiss.

(“Guys seriously I am still right here! Can’t you at least wait until I’m gone!?”

“No. Now get out Robin, you’re ruining my moment!”

“It’s okay, Eds. I’ll give you as many moments as you want.”

“Ew, ew, ew-!” )

This whole ass thing on A03 if you'd rather read it there!

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burst-of-iridescent · 7 months ago

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i've written before about how fire lady katara isn't an inherently disempowering or racist trope, as have many others, but lately i've been thinking about how arguments against fire lady katara often tend to utilise a surface-level interpretation of colonial trauma.

[edit: this post will use the term "colonial trauma" because those who argue against fire lady katara usually use the same wording or are referring to that concept. but it's important to note that according to show canon, the fire nation did not colonize the southern water tribe and zuko and katara did not have a colonizer/colonized relationship.]

antis who present this argument usually posit that marrying zuko would be a form of re-traumatization for katara, while marrying aang would "protect" her. katara is supposedly more shielded from confronting the impact of colonization in the southern water tribe or on air temple island than she would be with zuko in the fire nation, which contextualizes colonial trauma purely through the lens of physical interaction with the colonial power (ie. living in the fire nation or looking after the people of the fire nation). whether intended or not, this argument inadvertently limits colonial trauma to the geographical boundaries of the colonizing country and implies that it can be reduced or averted solely by minimizing contact with said country.

even leaving aside that we have seen katara in the fire nation (and enjoying herself there), the implication here is that active engagement with a colonial power as a member of colonized peoples is an inherent form of re-traumatization... which i take issue with for multiple reasons.

firstly, katara lives in a world that has been permanently shaped and changed by imperialism, and that's going to affect her no matter where she goes. sequestering herself in the south pole her whole life and never seeing a glimpse of fire nation red again won't allow katara to escape the legacy of colonization or the trauma it has caused her, because its influence is rooted in everything from her family to her tribe to her own bending. believe me, i understand the appeal of a world where women of colour can avoid reckoning with the impact of colonization by simply never setting foot in the colonizing country again, and why people might be uncomfortable with zutara individually as a result - but i can't accept it as a valid argument against the ship, because that's just not how colonial trauma works.

secondly, the idea that this "protects" katara reeks of paternalism because katara is not a character who chooses her path simply based on how safe or comfortable it is. if that was the case, she would never have left the southern water tribe at all! she could've remained there her whole life and likely been safe, since the fire nation had no real interest in the south pole any longer. katara is fundamentally defined by how relentlessly revolutionary she is - over and over, she chooses to do what is right, what is hard, what is unexpected, even at cost to herself. she challenges injustice and discrimination and bigotry; she fights for the downtrodden and speaks for those who can't speak for themselves; she will never ever turn her back on the people who need her. does that truly sound like someone who needs to be hid away and protected from her own supposed re-traumatization?

thirdly - and i fully accept that there are those who might disagree with this - katara actively choosing to engage with her colonial trauma can be empowering just as it can be traumatizing. don't get me wrong: as a woc and a minority in my own country, i understand how tiring it is to do this. i understand the exhaustion of confronting what was done to you and your people, of facing down bigotry over and over. i understand the desire to run away from it all, and why it can be wish fulfilment for others to let katara do so. i really, really do.

but there is also wish fulfilment in letting katara fight, as a brown girl with power and resources that few brown girls in the real world hold. there is a power fantasy in seeing katara head into the belly of the beast and emerging triumphant. there is empowerment to be found in seeing katara struggle with racism and ignorance and mindless hate to enact change - and succeed. i love reading and writing about katara unpacking her trauma regarding the fire nation, about growing to love the place she once hated, about reconciling both her homes and healing from the wounds of her childhood.

and ultimately, i think that's what katara would want for herself. after throwing herself head first into the fight against the fire nation, after facing down her greatest trauma instead of letting it consume her, after helping and protecting the people of the fire nation, after refusing to let the fire nation take anything else from her - i firmly believe that the last thing katara would do is allow herself to be ruled by the fire nation instead of being the one ruling it.

personally, i find that a more hopeful and victorious narrative than one where she remains safe and sheltered away from the fire nation, but forever haunted and dictated by her trauma. would that be realistic? perhaps. but the entire point of foiling katara with characters like jet and hama is to show that she's not doomed to be mired in the pain of her past. that where their stories could only end in tragedy, hers can - and does - end in hope for something better, as she always believed it could.

#zutara #anti kataang #katara #katara meta #fire lady katara

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sophieinwonderland · 26 days ago

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The Plurality of... The Exorcist

Trigger Warning: Discussions of real life torture and child murder.

I'm going to tell you something horrifying.

Something to fill you with dread.

Someone you love isn't who you think they are. They have others hiding inside them. There is something else there who takes over their body. An other.

And this other could be dangerous. They can look like the person you know, they can control them, they can lie and pretend to be them.

This is the horror of The Exorcist. This is the horror of... plurality!

The Exorcist

For those who don't know what The Exorcist is, let me first welcome you out of the fallout shelter you've been hiding in for the past 50 years. Turns out, the world wasn't destroyed by nuclear war and everything is okay! 👍

The Exorcist is one of the most iconic and influential horror movies in history. Even if you haven't seen it, you've probably picked up the general idea of what it's about from pop culture.

This classic horror movie centers around a girl named Regan who becomes possessed by a demonic entity.

She communicates with this entity first through a Ouija board. It's later implied that she might have some sort of internal communication with it as well but this isn't elaborated on much at all.

Regan isn't the main character of the story. This isn't a story about the horror of being possessed by a demon. It's a story about the horror of having your daughter possessed by a demon, and of being the exorcist whose faith is tested by the demonic spirit.

A good example of this is an infamous scene where the possessed Regan is seen... let's say "impaling" herself with a cross, saying "let Jesus fuck you," while covered in blood. This is most iconic for the way she twists her head 180. This scene is shown from the perspective of the mother, depicting how horrifying of a sight it is to walk in on.

The movie doesn't much care about what it's like for Regan to be possessed or the pain being caused to her.

We don't know much about what was going on in Regan's head while possessed because the movies doesn't care about Regan. It cares about how her personality changes affect those around her. She's almost more of a plot device than an actual character.

By the end of the movie, the demon is exorcized and Regan is saved, successfully being returned to a single person in one body as God intended.

There are plenty of analyses of why this movie is problematic from a feminist perspective, such as the personality changes and the "let Jesus fuck you" scene being metaphors for female sexuality and puberty, but I don't know that it's ever been approached from a plural perspective before.

That's what I'm here to change today!

The Horror of Plurality

Plurality, is an umbrella term for multiple self-conscious agents sharing a body. These can be psychological in origin like alters in dissociative identity disorders or tulpas in modern tulpamancy. Or it can be spiritual in nature, as seen in many cultures with non-pathological possession states. A spiritual medium who regularly communicates with the same spirit, and allows that spirit to possess them, could be considered plural for example.

This umbrella term didn't exist when The Exorcist was made. And it wouldn't for another 20 years after.

However, plurality as a concept has existed for a long time in different forms. Spiritual possession states have existed for centuries as a form of plurality across the globe, and Multiple Personality was well-known even if it wouldn't be put into the DSM as a diagnosis of its own until 7 years after The Exorcist was released.

In fact, in the film, there's even a scene where Regan's mother says her daughter is acting like she might have a "split personality." This is quickly dismissed in the film, stating that there have been less than 100 cases in history. And the doctor acts as if it doesn't really exist.

Regan's mom: Did you see or not? She's acting like she's fucking out of her mind. Psychotic or split-personality or...

Doctor: There haven't been more than 100 cases of so-called split-personality Mrs. MacNeil.

(I kind of want to smack him...)

This was the early 70s when this was actually true. Not because dissociative identity disorder is actually a super rare disorder, but because DID was often misdiagnosed as other disorders. We now know much better, and DID is estimated to affect 1%-1.5% of the global population.

The idea of "split personality" isn't really explored much more in the film beyond it just being stated that it's rare and she shouldn't look further into it.

And yet... the movie does use language that seems to be based on multiplicity, with one character even describing how there appears to be at least 3 "personalities." (Only to be rebutted and told that it's only one demon. I could go on a side tangent about how that's a pretty weird conclusion when the only biblical example of demonic possession is Legion who were thousands of demons possessing one person... but that's a rant for another day.)

To what extent this possession relates to multiplicity as it was understood at the time isn't clear, but one thing can't be denied. And that's the fact that the horror in the movie is based on this innocent girl having someone else inside her and no longer being recognized by her mother.

Regan's mom: You show me Regan's double, same face, same voice, everything. And I'd know it wasn't Regan. I'd know in my gut. And I'm telling you that 'thing' upstairs isn't my daughter.

The horror of The Exorcist and similar possession stories, even if the word wasn't used at the time, was coming from the idea of the girl being plural. The fear that maybe hiding beneath the skin of this cloistered youth...

Is an unholy fiend...

(Art by Igor Kieryluk)

Why Possession Stories are Problematic.

Like I mentioned above, this is a story focused not on Regan, but on her mom and the exorcists. Regan doesn't really matter besides being the healthy girl who develops a condition and needs to be cured through ritual torture.

Okay... maybe that's not totally fair. The most they really do to Regan is chant at her and throw some water on her. Even if the demon is screaming in agony, that wouldn't really be considered torture, would it?

I mean, unless you're a young neurodivergent child with sensitivity issues who would be traumatized by having people shout at you and douse you in water. And if they do scream in agony because you shouted at them and threw water on them, then I guess that proves that they were a demon all along?

Look, I am not saying that the characters within the fictional movie did not have legitimate reason to know that this girl was possessed by a demon. I mean, she flew!

Of course, within the fictional context of the exorcist, Regan is possessed by a literal demonic entity who has not only hurt Regan but has murdered other people.

What I do want to get across though is that a lot of horror is built on the fear of the other. And the other in The Exorcist are people who are plural and people displaying symptoms of mental illnesses.

A popular topic is coding in fiction. This was originally used to point out how many characters, especially villains, are queer-coded. Meaning they commonly incorporate queer stereotypes without being explicitly queer. But this also happens with mental illnesses. For example, it's been pointed out how a lot of robots and aliens in fiction end up being autistic coded. The very tropes that are used to define robots in fiction are also tropes that are associated with autism and other neurodivergences. And they very often play into a narrative of wanting to be more "human," which really translates to "more like a neurotypical."

Likewise, the tropes of the demonic possession in the exorcist are associated with plurality and mental illness. The similarities aren't lost on the movie either. Much of the film is trying to figure out if this is a brain issue or psychosis, and again, the possibility of multiple personalities is brought up.

The comparison was made by the movie.

If we can acknowledge how often robots in fiction are autistic coded, then I think that we also need to acknowledge that the possession in the movie is plural-coded, and more generally, neurodivergent-coded.

While you can argue that the movie was not explicitly about dissociative identity disorder or plurality, the fear it encouraged and played off of was a fear of anybody with multiple selves.

And this is a fear that has endured for generations.

Pluralphobia: The cultural impact of the exorcist

The exorcist redefined what horror was. In media, it created an entire subgenre unto itself of these exorcism movies. Even if a movie isn't really about the exorcisms, many horror movies and shows about spirits will include at least one exorcism scene.

We can also see this in television, such as CBS's Evil, which follows a group of assessors for the Catholic Church, some of which end up involving exorcisms of possessed people.

On that note, when you watch The Exorcist, you might notice that exorcism is spoken of as this very hidden practice that's barely talked about within the Catholic Church. And from what I've gleaned of historical sources, this seems to be pretty true. The Catholic Church didn't talk a lot openly about performing exorcisms prior to the movie's release.

They were trying to move away from the more mystical aspects of their religion in the public eye, to appear as a more rational religion for a more rational age.

The movie popularized the real practice of exorcisms. It increased demand for these rituals. It caused parents to start legitimately believing that their children were possessed by demonic entities.

And while you might think that people would move on from exorcisms in the age of the internet, this hasn't been the case. It's actually only been increasing.

In 2005, the Catholic Church had 12 people who specialized in performing exorcisms in the United States. That number was 175 as of 2023.

And this culture has already affected actual plural systems. I have spoken to plenty of plural systems who have described having people believe that they were possessed whenever they describe their headmates and being plural, and some who have even been told they needed an exorcism or had exorcism pushed on them.

Countless more plural systems hide their plurality out of fear that this might be how they would be perceived if they were out as plural publicly.

And a lot of this modern religious pluralphobia can be traced directly to this movie. When somebody writes a book called "The Exorcist Legacy, 50 Years of Fear," this isn't an exaggeration.

The Exorcist created a fear of the demonically possessed, and its impact still reverberates through our culture more than 50 years later.

And sometimes, the results of the fear of the demonically possessed can have disastrous results.

The exorcism of Anneliese Michell

The year is 1975. The exorcist was released two years ago in 1973. The German dub was released in 1974.

A German woman by the name of Annelise Mitchell has just been approved by the local bishops to undergo an exorcism.

She has been diagnosed with epilepsy and psychosis but past medical treatments haven't worked for her. She has started hearing voices and has become convinced that she is possessed by demons.

Over the course of the next year, Anneliese underwent 67 exorcisms.

In audio recordings, Anneliese speaks in a "demonic" voice that is very reminiscent of the voices used during the possession in The Exorcist, and claims to be possessed by such figures as Hitler, Judas, Cain, and Nero.

youtube

During this time period, not a lot was known about dissociative identity disorder, how to recognize it, or how to treat it.

Perhaps, if given another decade, when it was more well-known and more doctors were willing to diagnose it though, Anneliese could have been diagnosed with DID and successfully treated for it.

DID often can present as demonic possession. There's even a whole section in the DSM section on DID that discusses this.

What happened instead is that she starved herself during the exorcisms, saying she wasn't permitted to eat. She died of malnutrition, and her body was found with its knees broken.

Unlike the exorcism in the movie, the exorcism of Anneliese was a long and brutal affair which saw her condition worsen to the point where she died.

To be perfectly fair, I have never seen anyone confirm that Anneliese or her family saw The Exorcist before this incident. The fact that she started being exorcized two years after the movie's release and a year after the movie's German dub could be a total coincidence that didn't play into it at all.

And if there was a connection, that's not to blame the filmmakers for their movie. There isn't any way that they could have predicted the type of cultural impact it would have. But the truth is that fiction can affect reality, and sometimes in ways that we don't intend it to.

Anneliese was a real human being who died because she and her family and priests became convinced that she was possessed by demonic spirits in a post-Exorcist world, and they responded by trying to get rid of those spirits.

This exorcism later inspired more movies in the same exorcism genre like The Exorcism of Emily Rose...

Which sensationalizes the story and plays into the ambiguity in a way that leaves the door open to people thinking that maybe both the fictional Emily Rose and the real woman she was based on actually were possessed by a literal demon.

What happens when plurals come out to a world where Exorcisms are becoming more prevalent? Is the real horror yet to come?

I believe that we stand on the edge of a major change in the world in terms of the visibility of plurality.

But with increased visibility, comes increased dangers as well.

History hasn't been kind to marginalized communities that step out of the shadows.

What happens when the plural community comes out? When it can't be ignored any longer by mainstream society. What type of opposition will we face? Obviously, I have no doubt that many of the attacks will be ableist in nature. They will call plurals crazy, they will use associations with mental illnesses to discredit us and deny us rights.

I have no doubt that we are going to see Fox News and other far right media outlets attacking plural systems for our plurality in various ways, much as they have done to queer people. There's even a pretty large overlap between the plural and queer communities, so they can use much of the same attacks against us. Already, we see pluralphobic rhetoric adopting queerphobic talking points, such as people accusing systems of "grooming" people into believing they're a system, which was popularized by the Right in recent years to use against trans people.

But there's another concern I have that I want to give voice to here.

That we might see religious fundamentalists begin attacking us on the basis of demonic possession.

This has already started happening.

Earlier this year, there was an incident where a right-winger infiltrated a panel at a gender conference that was focused on plurality. While the panel discussed plurality, the conservative claimed she felt a dark energy come over her, and had to leave the building. She later claimed that she felt the presence of a demonic spirit there.

I won't link to that because the panel was never intended to be recorded, and the speaker was not out as plural and did not want to see the video get promoted further with their face revealed, potentially outing them if it gets back to people who might recognize them. You can find my past discussion of this incident here.

But this isn't the only such incident we've seen recently. In a similar vein, conservative pundit Rod Dreher also wrote an article on tulpamancy, where he suggested that tulpas could be demonic spirits.

This could be the beginning of conservatives ratcheting up fear of plurality. This could be the beginning of a new wave of pluralphobia.

Especially with conservatives increasingly seeing their support of conservative candidates as spiritual warfare in a battle against literal demonic forces.

What if the legacy of The Exorcist is creating a culture of fear around those who are multiple? A culture that is still in full force over 50 years later and gaining ground?

The Nightmare Scenario: A Reign of Christian Nationalism

Let me tell a story. A story of one possible future, a worst case scenario for plurals.

The plural community grows ever larger online as more people realize they're plural. More studies are conducted into plural systems leading to more support from psychiatric institutions. Plural awareness continues to spread through college campuses and institutions and educated Left-leaning spaces.

This is something I believe is going to happen within the next decade. It's also something that conservative pundit Rod Dreher fear-mongered about in his blog post.

And for far-right Christian nationalists, this is an opening. Because the acceptance is primarily coming from left-wing spaces, this becomes a divisive partisan issue. Christian nationalists will jump at the chance to craft a narrative of plurality being used to open children up to possession by demonic forces.

Conservative pastors play TikTok videos of plural systems switching as examples of possession. This makes its way into right-wing media outlets to boost it 100 fold.

In the minds of Christians who have grown up on horror movies like The Exorcist and all that it spawned, who have been fed a myth in their churches of demons waging spiritual warfare against them, they will all too happily buy into the lie that plural systems are an extension of this. That we are the demons they have been warned about. The evils they have been taught to fear are no longer hiding but are now openly encouraging their children to embrace demonic possession.

This might sound farfetched to the nonbelievers and sceptics who think it would be silly to convince a large portion of Americans something like this, but belief in demonic possession is already pretty high, with 51% of people saying they believe in demonic possession according to one YouGov poll, with 20% undecided.

Less than a third of Americans were hard non-believers in demonic possession.

So how difficult would it be to convince a large portion of the other 71% that the people saying they are multiple people in one body are actually demonically possessed?

During the resulting hysteria, we see a massive surge in demand for exorcisms. The number of Catholic exorcists in America ends up increasing from its current 175 to over 500 and they still can't keep up with the demand caused by this right-wing hysteria.

And this is where the real danger comes in. Because I actually believe that the Catholic Church learned from what happened with Anneliese Michell. I think that their own trained exorcists are going to be heavily regulated and will be far more responsible to avoid causing another massive scandal that will blow back on a church already marred on controversy.

No, the real threat is going to come from unsanctioned exorcists. People who haven't gone through the proper training and don't care as much about safety.

In 2020, a 3-year-old girl named Arely Proctor was believed by her family to be possessed. They carried out an exorcism on this girl for over 20 hours that ended with her strangled to death.

Was Arely's murder an isolated incident? Or is it a canary in the coal mine?

For the purpose of the scenario, let's assume it's the latter. That this is the result of our culture's growing obsession with exorcism, an obsession that started with The Exorcist 50 years ago.

And as the plural community and Christian nationalists clash, the result is a wave of incidents of child abuse through unsanctioned exorcisms. The happier cases end with kids being removed from their parents' custody after suffering abusive rituals. The more tragic cases end like Arely and Anneliese.

Keep in mind that the victims won't necessarily be plural. Other neurodivergents will be affected. As will those who stray into the heretical by the Christian nationalist standards. Anyone even perceived as being possessed will be at risk. But it will be the hysteria around plurality that pushes this into overdrive. This will be the inciting incident for this dark future.

If this comes to pass... How can we, as plural systems, even hope to fight back against that?

If one horror story can change the world... Then maybe we need to tell better horror stories...

Luckily, this hasn't happened yet. It remains a story. Purely fictional, much like The Exorcist itself is.

But the thing about stories, which I hope to have shown here, is that they have power. There is power in stories to change the world. For better or for worse. Every new horror story about possession by evil entities further builds onto The Exorcist's legacy, encouraging fear of people who are more than one.

But positive plural representation like Moon Knight helps normalize plurality, and stories like IF can normalize imaginary friends and, by extension, tulpamancy.

And horror can be used the same way.

Horror has always been built on the fear of the other.

This is why the tropes are so often ableist or racist or xenophobic. Throughout history, horror has unfortunately been used to cause harm to marginalized communities. Because often what people are afraid of are the people who don't think like them or have a different culture than they do.

But it doesn't have to be that way.

You could subvert the classic possession and exorcism conventions. Tell a story of someone sharing a body with friendly spirits where the horror comes not from the other headmates but how the culture around them reacts to them. Position the exorcists and those pushing for exorcism as the monsters trying to banish the good helpful spirits or headmates.

Or maybe the protagonist isn't the "possessed", but the headmate who is being locked in their mind, only getting fleeting moments of freedom as the host becomes convinced by those around them that the headmate is a demonic entity that needs to be eliminated.

Tell horror stories that build sympathy for the possessed or those who share a body with them. Sympathy for the discrimination they endure. Sympathy for being treated as if there's something wrong with them. Sympathy for being othered. Because there is a horror in that too. A horror in being the other, being the outcast.

If you are plural, you can pour your own experiences into the stories you tell. If you're not plural, you can learn about plurality from plurals and how to tell more inclusive stories about plurality.

Ultimately, what you need to remember is that in this world, there is no power greater than the power to tell stories. Stories shape who we are. They shape our cultures. They shape our fears. And they shape our future.

I don't think anything demonstrates this better than The Exorcist, with the way it managed to change the world, for better or for worse.

So let's tell a better story.

Even if your story won't be the next Exorcist, maybe it can be a story that inspires it.

One more thing you can do...

Vote.

I'm sorry to ask this of you. I know that politics can be exhausting and you probably didn't click on this for politics. But Christian nationalism is increasingly on the ballot. It's a threat to plural systems. It's a threat to queer people. It's a threat to women's rights. It's a threat to religious minorities.

And because they also know the power of stories and try to restrict access to stories they don't like, it's a threat to our very ability to tell stories.

If you are reading this post when it was made, the 2024 election is in a week. You can still make a difference. And if you're reading this in the future, hopefully we defeated Trump and Christian Nationalism in the battle for President. But the war is far from over. Winning one fight isn't enough. Maintaining freedom requires constant vigilance. There will be more elections coming up, and we'll need your help with those too. And even if we did win the Presidency, there will be other fights we didn't win. There will be states that have elected Christian Nationalist governors, judges, and state legislatures. States that are pushing laws actively restricting the rights of queer people. States that are placing hard restrictions on abortions and birth control, banning books with LGBTQ themes while mandating the Bible be put into schools.

So please vote. Not just in this election, but the next election too, and the one after that and so on. Because as the saying goes, the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good people to do nothing.

And to those that have voted or will, thank you for standing up for our Democracy and our futures!

Conclusion

When I do these Plurality of... posts, I generally like to talk about the story itself and the plurality featured in it. With The Exorcist, I don't think there was a lot to say about that.

It is a sort of plurality. And it's an extremely problematic portrayal. But what's more important about the Exorcist wasn't its story or its characters, but its cultural impact.

While that cultural impact has actually been pretty bad for plural systems, IMO, it proves something that I think is all too easy to forget.

We all have the ability to change the world through the stories we tell in ways both large and small.

If there's one takeaway I want people to have from all of this, it's this:

Your stories matter. Your vote matters. You matter.

And if we want to make the world a better place for all plurals, and for all people in general, then we're going to need people like you to tell your stories and share them so that the stories that spread aren't just the most harmful ones.

By telling your stories, you can make sure that the stories people hear about plurality aren't just the ones that demonize plurals.

Oh, and...

Happy Halloween!

For more of my discussions of plurality in creepy media, be sure to check out The Plurality of… Bill Cipher. Alternatively, for a plural story that does deal with discrimination for being plural, see The Plurality of… The Hybrid Chronicles: What’s Left of Me, where I discuss a novel set in a world where people are born with two souls. As always, thanks for reading.

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bestworstcase · 3 months ago

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Took a look at the image organizer you linked the other day, and MY OH MY is there so much to unpack there. While I think I understand most of it, there's still some stuff I'm unclear about. What are those quotations from? What's Jaune doing here (and I think I remember you mentioning him as the Oz stand-in for the Ever After)? What about those scattered extra panels in the Jaune column, like Bumbleby-Adam and the maple leaf? What're the entire bottom three rows doing, what is the truth, and who is the "she" who knows it? I really need to do a rewatch...

By all means, go as overboard as you want to (or not), I just love hearing what you have to say.

the quotations are all heraclitus (there’s a link to the fragments at the bottom – the Bn tag on each quote is the fragment number) – heraclitus being a pre-socratic philosopher who had a significant influence on plato, and rwby being a story that draws heavily from plato (see also: atlas/atlantis). the philosophical ideas articulated in v9 regarding balance and creation/destruction get at concepts like flux (everything rests by changing; equilibrium is a state of constant motion and transformation, like a top which stays upright only while it spins) and strife (not conflict, but the push-and-pull between opposite forces, like the tension on a string which creates music).

i get very exited about this because it is the basis for rwby’s destruction-is-not-bad thesis; true equilibrium cannot be found without destruction because creation must have its counterweight. conflict is antithetical to balance specifically because it is a rejection of strife—it’s, to continue the metaphors, creation smashing the top because it doesn’t like that destruction causes it to spin instead of standing perfectly upright, or destruction cutting the string to free itself from destruction.

the OP specifically is about my thesis that rwby’s narrative is fractal—reflected aspects of the ozlem story repeating over and over again as this shattered fairytale strives to get it right this time. jaune (like cinder, like ruby) is a mirror held up to salem—the girl in the tower refracted in the “lovable idiot stuck in the tree”—but he’s a funhouse mirror. he’s a salem without her faith in humanity; a salem who is fundamentally cynical (he cheats his way into beacon, he wanted to be the hero to prove himself worthy to his family, he is ultimately corrupted by his rejection of change—which twists him into a reflection of ozpin instead) and thus repeatedly puts himself in the tower. and the point of him with respect to the fractal narrative is that being Good and Kind did not save him from his cynicism, and that the essential difference between salem and ozma is that she truly believes in her cause (that the gods are unjust and humanity must live free) whereas his commitment is hollow and borne of fear.

(likewise cinder is a salem whose tower is her faith, because what cinder believes in is the innate cruelty and injustice of the world and her destiny to be crushed beneath it, and she is in want of something true to believe instead; and ruby is… more or less literally who salem was when she was young)

jaune is also specifically paralleled with cinder in this regard – his time in the ever after mirrors her exile after haven, and both reflect salem’s isolation after the moonfall; he gives into despair and stagnates (like oz), cinder angrily drags herself out of the pit and keeps clawing her way forward (like salem).

(yang and blake killing adam are just there because i didn’t have a better place to note the echoed framing when cinder kills rhodes – different camera angle, but there is a striking visual comparison drawn here. the narrative does not smile on rhodes)

and then the last three rows are my unhinged mumbling about salem having met the blacksmith before in picture form. Ma’am Why Is Your Illustration Of The Human Soul A Blacksmith. What Do You Know.

like the thing is. heraclitus again: fire is arche. it is the beginning. the transformations of fire, first into sea, and of the sea half becomes earth, half whirlwind. from the outside, the tree is earth and air (the holes in the ground, the leaves on the wind) – on the inside, it’s an ethereal cosmic ‘river’ of souls flowing to their next life; and in the center, it is a forge. and this rhymes also with ‘for it is death to souls to become water, and death to water to become earth, but water comes from earth, and from water, souls’ – like

???

before she’s drowned in the fountain, salem is engulfed in dark’s flame – the flame he once used to restore jabber to life. and then she drowns and returns, with aura, now immortal. salem leaps into the pool of grimm seeking change and is transformed – the faunus in the myth she quotes immerse themselves in magical waters and are transformed. and then we have this recurring motif of a character (or symbol thereof) engulfed by flame, trees, katabasis, drownings, spiritual or physical rebirth. and salem waving the blacksmith under our noses since 2014. maple leaf carved into the frame of her family portrait – maple leafs shed by the tree – the maple leaf guiding jaune to pyrrha’s statue. it’s very

it sure is pointing in a direction!

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lostbetweenvampiresandmusic · 9 months ago

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Another request because I just thought of the funniest thing, if you’re up for it😅prompt 14

14. "Do you want me to kiss it better?" Except in a different concept. Would I be able to get it with Star? And the reader is dating one of the boys so naturally they’re in the cave as well. They end up bringing Star out of her refined shell more by joking around with her. So like a sarcastic sibling, they’re constantly messing with Star but is more gentle than the guys when it comes to it.

I hope you like this!😘

-------------------------

Star hadn't known what to think if you when she was first introduced to you by David. He said you'd be hanging with them now and that - apparently - you were mated to one of them. David, however, did refuse to tell to whom, something that annoyed Star greatly and was probably the cause of her coldness towards you in the beginning.

She kept to herself, hardly even greeting you when you entered the cave. Hardly acknowledging you whenever the boys included you in a conversation, which obviously was all the time.

It wasn't until almost a year had passed that Star began to realise that you'd be staying and that you really weren't that bad. But by the time she realised that, she didn't know how to change her act anymore. She'd been cold towards you for almost twelve months, and suddenly changing that and becoming cosy with you? It felt wrong and off. She did, however, start to acknowledge you a bit more. Nothing much, just a small quiet "hey" whenever you entered the cave, but it was something, right?

"Oh my god!" Star looked up as she heard your voice. "You- you can see me?"

She rolled her eyes but couldn't help but smile shyly. "I just said hi."

"That's more than you've ever spoken to me ever since I met you. What, did you find a dictionary or something?"

If it hadn't been for your teasing tone, Star would have - well, she didn't know what she would have done, but she would not have continued talking to you, that's for certain.

Moments like that happened more and more often. Star still didn't really consider you a friend, but slowly but surely she came to see you as one.

"Are the boys in?" You'd ask one night, entering the cave. Star shook her head, causing you to shrug.

"That's a shame." You held up a bag. "You want some cake? It's fresh."

"You bake?"

"Sometimes. I wanted to share with the boys, but since they're not here, I thought, why not share with you."

Star frowned at that - were the two of you already that close to share homemade food? Still, she took a slice - inspecting it before bringing it to her mouth.

"It's poisoned. Sorry."

"What?!"

"Kidding! Jesus, why would I poison cake? If I were to poison something, I'd go with an apple or something. Something classy, you know?"

"I don't know if poison is that classy," Star mumbled before taking a bite.

"Sure it is, it's mess free. Well, mostly anyway. Why would you be so scared of me messing with your food?"

"Have you eaten with the boys?"

"Yeah?"

"They never tricked you?" Star asked, slight surprise written over her face as she saw you shake your head.

"What, like, forcing me to eat worms?"

"Yeah?"

"No?"

"For real?"

"Is that why you're so -" you motioned towards her, "with the cake? Scared I force you to eat frogspawn? Snailslime?"

"Ew!" Star made a face, dropping her cake in the process. You couldn't help but laugh, pulling her in for a hug.

"Oh no, that poor slice of cake!"

Star laughed, coughing loudly as she inhaled some crumbs. "Poor-" she coughed -" cake?"

"Yeah! It fell so high, all the way to the ground, it's sad!"

"How about me almost dying on your cake?"

"Hey, it's your fault for inhaling it, I told you there's no poison in there," you grinned before asking if she was okay.

"Well, I guess."

"Do you want me to kiss it better?"

Star raised an eyebrow as she looked at you. "What? Why would you kiss me better?"

"Hey, I was asking the cake alright? It fell and broke."

Star laughed, shaking her head slightly as she looked at you. Damn, she regretted being so cold the year before. You were different than she'd expected, and you were definitely someone she wanted to keep around. So when you offered her another slice, dramatically saying farewell to the fallen one - by feeding it to Marko's pigeons - she readily took one.

#the lost boys #marko #david #paul #tlb #dwayne #the lost boys 1987 #tlb 1987 #the lost boys x reader #lost boys #star #star tlb

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aidenlydia · 6 months ago

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I have seen that you are very open about supporting trans people and that your pronouns are they/them. How were you able to understand that you were trans? (If you are.) I've honestly felt so confused lately and don't have anyone I can ask about this. I love your ftm ghost art. I think it is amazing. I just don't know what to do or how I'll ever be able to figure out myself. Totally not your job but was curious if you had advice.

Not sure how helpful this will be, because my trans experience is deeply interlinked with my Dissociative Identity Disorder and Autism, so I'm sorry if this is a bit confusing.

What is Dissociative Identity Disorder

Dissociative Identity Disorder - Terms and Definitions

Autism and Gender

The reason why I go by they/them is because we're literally multiple people. Our two Hosts Aiden and Lydia (aka the alters interacting most with the world outside of our own head) are a man and a woman. We spend all our time together, sharing a body and the control over it.

We used to go by he/she, but people would only view us as a girl because of our body, so we switched to they/them. It makes more sense and feels better to be acknowledged together instead of Aiden being left out all the damn time.

Now bear with me here.

Though Lydia is a cis women, she grew up never belonging anywhere because we're autistic, so she feels like an imposter and a fraud when trying to connect to her feminity. Most days we barely feel human at all because we've been othered all our life. But she still views herself as a woman - motherhood in particular is a big important part of her.

Aiden is a trans man, but he doesn't mind our feminine body and doesn't plan on getting surgery ever. Testosterone maybe, but even that isn't super important to him at the moment. To him knowing he's a man is enough, passing isn't a priority at all. And because all of our Littles are girls he's rather protective of their body - any kind of medical procedure would cause a lot of fear in them.

He realized he's trans because he preferred a male name for himself, short hair and male clothing. It happened very quickly because exploring gender has never been an issue for us, it's fun and simply felt comfortable.

We do have two Agender Alters, but they don't come out in our regular daily life. They don't feel like anything really, they're deeply connected to nature and just want to exist as genderless beings, so they prefer not taking control of our body. It feels peaceful not being put into a box or defined by gender expectations and whatever other bullshit the world comes up with.

In the past we used to have another trans male Host, but he was suffering deeply from gender dysphoria. He couldn't stand the sight of our body or existing in it and became very self destructive about it. Until one day he just stopped coming out and hasn't been back since.

Before I even realized I had DID, gender wasn't really a concept to me. Same with names, it just didn't make sense to me why someone couldn't just change their name if they didn't like the one their parents gave them for whatever reason. I think of people as people, not boys and girls. Sure there are physical differences, but the meanings/genderroles we attributed to them are completely made up.

Folks love nagging me about how I draw my Ghost, but the truth is he can walk around looking like a cis girl and still be a man, I truly dgaf. So what if he's smaller and more delicate looking next to that big bear of a captain, that doesn't make him any less of a man.

The best advice I can give is you don't need to label yourself if you don't want to. You can experiment and just see what feels good. Maybe you'll find a label or make a plan along the way, but don't feel pressured to.

Common things people do is try out a different name, change their pronouns, create and play as video game characters of the opposite gender/sex (or gender non-conforming in general), listen to trans playlists/musicians, shop clothes/stuff in the other section (including underwear or things like jewelry ect), read books or watch movies about different kinds of trans characters, watch video essays about trans topics, create OCs or sonas, look at trans art and watch/read about other people's trans journeys.

Of course there are "what's my gender identity" tests you can take too, idk how helpful those are but I guess they can give you a bit more insight and maybe make you ask questions that you haven't asked yourself before.

Lastly here's a list of gender identities and definitions that might be beneficial to have a look at, as well as my trans resource list I put together last month about what can be done to change your gender in various ways

#trans resources

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nimrism · 7 months ago

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could you make this post? please, it's so fascinating i really want to hear your thoughts on it

"The Dark Tower" Morgwen Interactions Analysis

i've literally been waiting for someone to ask me this so i can go all out in answer, so you're literally my favorite- THANK YOU! i've tried to put all the thoughts swirling around in my head into one coherent post, so strap in and let's LOOK AT THE IMPLICATIONS (from my perspective)!

first and most importantly, i want to zero in on morgana's choice of kidnapee; she could've chosen anyone in camelot, any one of the knigts who were regularly privy to arthur's battle plans and schedule, but nope. if we're looking at it from the perspective of "she needs the closest person to arthur" wouldn't that be merlin? she could have kidnapped and brainwashed him; he would've made for a fabulous inconspicious mole in the court, and arthur literally goes to him for anything and everything. i actually think it would make for a really interesting au/fic if it were merlin who was kidnapped instead of gwen (love confession/magic reveal possibilities are ENDLESS), but maybe it's a little too close to the plot of "a servant of two masters" and the writers didn't want to be repetitive. i'm going to be biased and delusional in believing that morgana did choose gwen, in particular, for more personal reasons as well as for her nefarious ones.

the way i see it (and this is obviously very objective), by the time we get to this point in s5, morgana is LONELY, like, has-no-one-in-the-world-except-aithusa type of lonely, and her choice of allies has been lacking diversity as of late (why are they all men 💀), AND they all end up dying anyway. so, she needs a plan, and she needs a trusted ally (she also needs a bit of love and lip balm cause DAMN). BUT the thing is, why would anyone be loyal to her? she's never kept any allies (or friends) thanks to her wit and charm alone, she's only ever kept men loyal to her by striking fear in their hearts. it's the same for her friends and family, i think. she doesn't believe they even tolerate her existence, so she needs to be crowned queen to subdue them and FORCE them to respect her. the same goes for gwen. she was only morgana's friend when morgana was a naive and vulnerable girl, plagued by nightmares and unexplained fears, and the second morgana grew out of them (or learned to control them) gwen stopped being affectionate, stopped being open. that's how morgana sees it, and it only reinforces her belief that gwen would never understand the person she's become now, she wouldn't quite see what morgana was trying to do. unless morgana forced her to.

the whole kidnapping affair was to MAKE gwen understand, because she wouldn't do it of her own free will. gwen would never willingly be on morgana's side, so she had to jump through a few morally questionable hoops to bring her over. in the end, i do believe all morgana really wanted was a friend (maybe a little bit more, amirite ladies), though by this point her concept of friendship had become twisted beyond recognition, and in all the chaos, this was the only way she thought she could have one. throughout the episode, a lot of the old morgana shines through, even if it is portrayed as just manipulation, and i do think that was her either slipping back into old habits or forcing herself to, for the sake of the brainwashing and for the sake of their friendship that she's trying to rekindle.

a point that i've seen several people make is that between the niceties, the "real" morgana peeks through several times throughout the ep, but i kinda disagree. i don't necessarily think that just because her smile drops, it means that the niceties were a facade and her "evil" side pops back out. i read the sudden change in expression more as disappointment. gwen fights back with such vigour that it's probably painful for morgana to realize that her former friend sees her as nothing more than an evil witch who's hell-bent on hurting her, now. she's disappointed that gwen, who was supposed to know her best, believes what the others do, and doesn't believe that morgana is being sincere in her offer of friendship.

a small remark i also have is: why wasn't morgana one of the visions/hallucinations gwen had in the dark tower? it's interesting to see that the closest three people to gwen are her brother, arthur, and merlin, of all people. i feel like gwen's history with morgana has to have had a lasting effect on both of them, even if morgana is supposed to be "evil" now. you don't stop loving someone just because they've chosen (or BEEN chosen by) the dark side. morgana was one of the people gwen cared about most in seasons 1 through 3 (s3 is pushing it a little, but still), it doesn't really make sense for it all to be forgotten so completely like we see in this episode. i also think it would've been super interesting to see a hallucination of younger morgana in particular, partially as a reminder that part of gwen still cares about morgana and largely because i'd like to see how gwen would react to that vision... would it differ from the other three? what would morgana do? would she sneer and laugh like elyan and arthur? would she do a little rawr like merlin (😭)? i feel like a ficlet is in order for this concept cause i would like to see it but i have to imagine it first (but that's the hard part 😭)

NOW ONTO THE MOST DELICIOUS PART OF THIS ANALYSIS: THE QUOTES

M: "Would you prefer some chicken?"

i just found this one hilarious tbh like she's so out of pocket what are you doing offering your kidnapee some chicken and WHAT WAS THE OTHER OPTION, IF NOT CHICKEN?

M: "I know how lonely you must be, all by yourself in that room. At least you're not shackled, and there's daylight. You can move, you can see."

oof. she's obviously referring to her own capture and torture, pulling from her own experience. it's heartwrenching that morgana has been through all of this, traumatised beyond reason, but it's even more heartwrenching that she thinks she's doing gwen a service, like this. it might not seem like that to any sane person, but after everything she's been through, morgana's worldview is completely different. in her mind, however twisted and detached it has become, she's being merciful to gwen this way, giving her luxuries that she was never afforded when she was captured. (including a warm meal with chicken at miss havisham's table 🤩)

M: "I too have suffered, Gwen. I spent two years living in darkness. I spent two years chained to a wall at the bottom of a pit... You did not know."

goddddd this line... it's just so painful, so powerful, so indicative of SO MANY THINGS. it's EVERYTHING. every acting choice katie and angel made in this scene was brilliant but ESPECIALLY their facial expressions in this particular part WOAH. the way morgana's voice cracks on the word "pit" is DEVASTATING. i was floored. the way gwen's face falls as she processes her words and they properly set in... INCREDIBLE. the concern in gwen's eyes is palpable as she realizes the horrors inflicted on her friend. and the final "you did not know" was so, so powerful. morgana realizes that gwen didn't know about and clearly wasn't okay with what she went through. gwen had no part in it. morgana SMILES at gwen's reaction, but instead of it being a smile of malice or evil it's one of RELIEF, and one that she hides very promptly. she's reassured in the knowledge that gwen had no idea she had suffered so immensely, and that, more importantly, she wasn't involved in it. it's SO important to note that morgana has no idea whether arthur had a hand in her own torture or not. it's especially not a good look on him that he invites the sarrum as a friend of camelot so soon after the events of "the dark tower", so, as far as morgana knows, he could've been a "friend" when she was being tortured for years, too. i wonder what would've happened if morgana had kidnapped gwen AFTER the sarrum's visit to camelot... i feel like that would have complicated things with gwen much further, if morgana thought she was complicit in her imprisonment.

M: "I would have sold my soul for someone to show me kindness such as this."

only two points on this heartbreaking line: 1- FUCK the sarrum of amata. all my homies HATE the sarrum. s4 and s5 morgana might both be textbook cases of "evil", but they're two VERY different people with two very different worldviews and tactics. morgana's imprisonment turned her into the cold husk of a person she is by s5. and 2- this just further confirms that morgana thinks she's doing gwen a favor, dining with her and letting sunlight into her room and choosing not to tie her up etc.

M: "Your hands are cold... I have a warm fire going for you."

oh boy is this a MOMENT. the way morgana keeps her hand held out. the way gwen reluctantly puts her hand in hers (MORGWEN HAND-HOLD!) *ivy by taylor swift starts playing out of nowhere* {ohhhhh goddamn, my pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand, taking mine, but it's been promised to another, ohhh}

um anyway i digressed. then the way gwen wriggles her hand out of morgana's grasp, while morgana grips her fingers with unwavering determination... it's just delicious.

M: "Anything you want, you can have. I'll give it to you."

idk about you but personally i'm SOLD. take all my money. i read this as morgana trying her utmost best to sell gwen on joining her, but i can also see the manipulation laced in it.

G: "Why are you doing this?"

M: "Because we're friends. We always were."

to me, this reinforces the theory that morgana's just trying to get her friend back on her side. by stating that they've always been friends, morgana reaffirms their friendship as much to herself as to gwen. she was her friend once, and she can be again.

M: "I'm helping you. I'm looking after you."

this sort of feels like morgana is telling herself that, more than she's telling gwen. maybe it's just part of the manipulation process, but i do believe that this was morgana's conscience reassuring her that what she's doing is in gwen's favor and that she's being kind to her.

M: "It's alright, I'm here."

UGH this line. morgana is being the person she needed when she was imprisoned. this scene is also a parallel to all the times morgana woke up screaming in the middle of the night and gwen was there to comfort her in s1/2. this time the tables have turned and it's morgana comforting gwen. simply delicious.

M: "My darling, I was wrong to make you suffer."

TEA! to say that this line was spoken from the bottom of morgana's heart might just be a bit too delusional, but i like to think there's at least some truth to it. torturing gwen had a lot of paralells to morgana's own imprisonment and torture, and she did want to make her suffer, at least in the beginning. but it was also different from what morgana went through. this is NOT to justify torture, btw, torture is BAD, but her "manipulation" tactics got a bit too personal at some point, and i like to think at least a part of it was genuine.

G: "No. Whatever twisted game you're playing, I want no part in it. I would rather stay here and die."

ouch. gwen's resistance to the last possible minute shows such strength on her part (cause me? i would've given in before she even dragged me through the desert tbh) and it gave us such a delicious performance from angel; the reluctance? the uncertainty? the distrust? the relief that morgana is there but also the FEAR of what she's doing? the contradiction between the morgana that gwen once knew and the morgana that everyone KNOWS is evil? but the morgana that gwen once knew is shining through now, and she's saying everything gwen wants to hear... grade-A angst.

IN CONCLUSION they're gfs your honor, this was all just a plot to snatch gwen back from arthur cause morgana didn't think seducing her herself would work. (this phrase could be in reference to this ep or the "lancelot du lac" ep i'm cackling morgana really is hopeless) there are also SEVERAL psychological layers to it, but describing it this way is just easier.

SO... this is possibly the longest post i've ever made. it got a little more comprehensive than i originally thought it would be, but THERE YOU HAVE IT! that's my take on the morgwen interactions in the dark tower. if i seem a little biased, that's because i 100% am :) i hope that clears things up. this is an open invitation to keep sending me asks (even if it's about the most random things ever) cause i love them and i love every single person who sends in an ask, and a public apology for how long these answers get sometimes 😭

#the fuckass sarrum is public enemy number one #hate that guy #morgana defender til the day i die #yes she's done some questionable things but have you considered that she's baby #can you tell i'm biased #save me morgwen save me #morgwen will probably be my undoing at this point #they're so special to me #the dark tower #this episode was a whole rollercoaster #morgana's gf might've been stolen from her but she stole her BACK #and now she's dragging her across the desert #now they're having a lil heart to heart #back to torture #fruity #HAND HOLDING #torture again #bunch of other stuff happens #FRUITY AGAIN!#that's pretty much the summary #anyway i hope this is coherent enough to be read #feel free to discuss #include me in the discussion too i'm making an effort to socialize #bbc merlin #morgana pendragon #morgana #guinevere #morgwen #merlin theory

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tirsynni · 1 year ago

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So for the longest time, I refused to think of the original Hyrule Warriors as canon. It was a fun little hack-and-slash side bit and I adore Link with his blue scarf, but I didn't actually add it to my mental timeline when it came to the LoZ games.

Then I made the mistake of thinking too much about the game and its implications on the overall timeline, especially the implications regarding the Spirit of the Hero. Stay with me on this. (Yes, it is once again time for me to put far too much thought into video games, because why not?)

Arguably, the Spirit of the Hero became entangled with everything due to Demise's Curse in Skyward Sword: "Those like you... Those who share the blood of the goddess and the spirit of the hero... They are eternally bound to this curse. An incarnation of my hatred shall ever follow your kind, dooming them to wander a blood-soaked sea of darkness for all time!" Thus the Cycle of Hatred is introduced.

In dissecting it a bit, it shows three permanent players: an incarnation of Demise's hatred, the Goddess's bloodline (note not Hylia herself, but her bloodline) and the spirit of the hero (note in contrast to the previous line, not the hero's bloodline, but the "spirit of the hero"). So we have an incarnation of a demon god's hate, a divine bloodline, and... some dude. Sorry, Link. You really got the short end of the stick here.

Obviously, he's not just "some dude," but he is a mortal tossed into an immortal war. Even as the Goddess's bloodline is mortal, they forever hold divinity within them, descended directly from divinity. Arguably, the Hero's Spirit holds some divinity itself through Hylia's blessing, arguably Farore's blessing, and playing emissary to multiple deities and powerful spirits through the games, but it relies on external sources instead of being inherent. The root of the Hero lies within the mortality of the Hero. That mortality probably provides a great deal of flexibility, as LoZ seems to follow along the popular concept that immortal beings are stuck to certain rules and mortals can go places and do things immortals can't. Biggest example is the Goddess Hylia needing a mortal Hero in the first place to fight Demise.

Okay, so where does Hyrule Warriors come into this? Because while the concept of the Spirit of the Hero comes up in multiple games, it's usually through inheritance, stepping into the role of the Hero, etc. When Cia comes into play, her target isn't the latest Hero: her target is the Spirit of the Hero itself. Not the concept. Not the implications of the role. The identity of the Spirit of the Hero. She didn't look at Link in HW and become obsessed with him: she became obsessed with him specifically because he possessed the Spirit of the Hero. It changes things a bit when looking at his character in the game.

First, there's the question of what awakens the Spirit of the Hero. In the other games, there's a great evil on the horizon -- the incarnation of Demise's hatred, which doesn't necessarily mean Demise or even Ganondorf but the awakening of an evil influenced somehow by Demise's hatred -- which leads to a Hero being born. Evil stirs, the Hero is born, Evil acts, the Hero awakens to their destiny. In the case of HW, though, the only reason Cia attacks that era is because there was a Hero present. So what sparked the birth of this Hero? If this Link wasn't born, then Cia would have targeted another Hero. Considering she was interested in the Spirit, not the person, I don't think age would have been a factor, so any of the other Heroes would be open targets. Cia didn't need to go after an awakened Hero, though. Instead, this specific Hero was born (looking remarkably like the Hero from the SS comic with his pretty scarf and such) and becomes Cia's target. So does more than the curse cause the birth of a Hero? If so, was this particular Link set up as a target? Or are the Heroes set up with specific destinies? Just Like OoT!Link is connected with Ganondorf and Majora, was this Link's soul somehow connected to Cia's? How does it work?

Which leads to the next issue: the challenges and pros inherent to mortality. In most cases, the Heroes have a choice in their destiny. Can they be pushed? Guilted? Strongly encouraged? Yes. However, in the games, one of the first things you do is choose to pick up the sword. You pick up the weapon. You start on your path. Link in almost every other scenario gets to go, "I want to save these people. I want to save the princess. I want to save Hyrule." In HW, while Link has the option to choose to fight or not, he would be targeted by Cia regardless because he was born with the Spirit of the Hero. He does choose to become a Knight and fight, though, which awakens the Triforce and puts him right in Cia's path. Pro to mortality: freedom of choice. HW-specific con: even with that freedom, being born with the Spirit put a bullseye on Link's back.

Another con of mortality, one presented in multiple games: the dangers of corruption. Link is a mortal, albeit a powerful mortal, who through his role as Hero regularly deals with divine objects. In most games, he deals with at least one piece of the Triforce and the Master Sword. The Triforce is not a symbol of good: it is a symbol of harmony: Power, Courage, and Wisdom in balance. If it had some sort of inherent morality, then someone like Demise reaching it wouldn't be such a big deal. Unfortunately, that's not the case. Link's Triforce is just insane power. Combine that with handling the powerhouse of the Master Sword, among all of the other things Link deals with, and you have a mortal who is dealing with one hell of a threat and burden. The Hero is repeatedly warned against falling to that darkness and has to fight against symbols of his darkness, ie, Dark or Shadow Link. This is a vulnerability most others won't have to deal with. He is a mortal struggling with the weight of immortal, powerful objects and needs to not lose himself to them.

Now combine that threat of corruption with the emphasis on the Spirit of the Hero which occurs in HW. With the other games, the threat is Link being corrupted. In HW, Cia's target is the Spirit of the Hero. Link's just the pretty package. If she succeeded, Link would be corrupted, but so would Cia's target: the Spirit of the Hero. There are a couple implications connected to that: what happens when you corrupt something as ancient and powerful as the Spirit of the Hero, something blessed by multiple spirits and deities and something literally older than Hyrule itself? Something which has the ability to turn the tide of battle against impossible odds? When no Hero arose once, the Goddesses responded by flooding the world. When Link slept(?) for a hundred years in BotW, no one, no matter their ability, was able to replace him. The Calamity remained unchallenged and untouched for that century, with even Zelda's powers limited to just holding the Calamity. That's a lot of power to corrupt... and that can also be one hell of a boon to Ganondorf. If not just Link but the Spirit was corrupted, how would that affect the Cycle of Hatred? Cia would have her obsession and the Spirit could not be incarnated into a new Hero to fight against Ganondorf. One hell of a win there... literally.

WW proved that if it came right down to it, a Hero could forcibly step up by fulfilling their own Hero's Journey. After all, even the initial Hero had to come from somewhere. But that would be an insane blow against Hyrule and the Royal Family. That would also be an insane amount of power available to Ganondorf. No opposition and all of the power inherent in a corrupted Spirit of the Hero. Oof.

If you view HW as canon with its focus on the Spirit of the Hero over the Hero himself, it does lead to some interesting questions regarding the role played by the Spirit, what happens if something happens to the Spirit, and the the lines between the Spirit and the Hero himself.

...hey, The Legend of Zelda and Philosophy book, why don't you focus on these questions instead of the stupid ones you went over? Bastards.

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verdemoun · 2 months ago

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Wait even Micah makes an exception to call Bessie 👀 can we hear about them and their relationship?

I always kinda imagined Micah would have a hard time with timewarping, he very much was a man shaped by his father and by the era, his sole goal was to survive, and by proxy whatever enabled that. I imagine he'd have had a hard time readjusting not only to the drastic changes, but also not having to constantly think about his next move yk

Yeah no Micah had a bad time timewarping.

Firstly, he died! He died and there was no consequences. Died and popped up in modern era. What is survival worth if death is seemingly not finite?

Second, he wasn't allowed a gun! This is magical modern au America with something resembling gun control. Whatever meager test he had to do to get a gun, he failed it. While Micah's infatuation with guns was very much linked to his overwhelming belief in survival, he also liked the power of a gun.

Third, Micah was weird with Dutch. He followed Dutch. He reunited with Dutch after Dutch walked away from him in Beaver Hollow. Why? Because he desperately wants something resembling family, and Dutch was part of whatever that meant to Micah. And his father was a piece of shit sure but Dutch shot him? Dutch took away everything Micah believed in only to indirectly warp him to a world where everything was ugly and foreign and he had nothing. And Dutch wasn't turning up for a while.

Fourth, the gang didn't immediately decide to trust Micah again. Can you imagine the anger the 1899 gang felt towards Micah? They didn't want anything to do with Micah! They were more than happy to let him walk into the woods unarmed and let him become a hermit, or die again of natural causes. Micah was the first 'bad guy' to timewarp and they hadn't really considered how they were going to deal with that. Micah was a traitor. What had the gang always done to traitors?

Bessie was not immune to the general anger the gang felt towards Micah but she was a self-made woman from the 1880s. She had to learn all about how the world had changed sociologically on her own. She had to unpack so many of her own issues. She wasn't going to let anyone go through that on their own.

She also had the bonus of being a historian. While a womens' history professor, she'd used to access at the university to research the gang in an attempt to figure out timewarp. She's read all their rap sheets. She knows Micah was only a boy when he committed his first murder alongside his father. She's read the few historians who are interested in the psychology of the Old West wonder if Micah Bell III, notorious outlaw, ever had a choice - if he ever knew life could be more than survival.

And she's just soft. She's a tough bitch who can fend for herself but give her a troubled outlaw who's that bit helpless and confused and she can handle the misdirected anger. So she helped him get his shitty trailer home, and sat at the table while he looked around the shipping-container sized building squinting suspiciously at the concept a permanent structure that was meant to be his private camp now.

It was almost like going through a foster kid cliche but with an adult man helping Micah adjust. He learned to drive faster than anyone else in the gang because sitting in 'camp' constantly was counter-productive to survival, and got a map so he could learn the layout of the area. Not having a gun meant he always needed escape routes. He kicked the windows out of his trailer.

Bessie would never say it because Hosea would kill her, but Micah without a gun really reminded her of teen Arthur. Just angry and scared and assuming everyone was out to get him. And Bessie is soft but she is no pushover. Micah make a comment like he used to with Grimshaw? She'll slap him. That doesn't mean she won't drop off leftovers and sit and try to make small-talk.

And Micah still has issues. He craves connection. Being completely isolated is counter-productive to survival. Bessie sets boundaries but she's for the most part more patient than he deserves and does what she can to teach him about modern era survival.

She helps him get a job so he can buy his dumb truck and takes him grocery shopping, teaches him about tracking money because Micah gave most of his money to the gang too in VDL days. He's not used to paying for things because he's always stolen what he needs. She buys him clothes and has to turn up to wash them because he is useless but little acts of kindness actually mean a hell of a lot to Micah.

He's still a brash pig at best most days but she notices the 'come near her and i'll fucking kill you' glares he gives people on the street because he's that little bit protective of his perceived family. And how awkward he sounds the first time he calls to ask about what the hell his frozen meal means when it says fan-forced oven.

Micah's sole goal, purpose, reason for being is still survival, because really what else is there? He still doesn't have anything to live for more than living for living's sake. Not pissing off Bessie supports survival. And maybe the little 'good work!' comments and praise when he does the bare minimum like actually putting clothes in a laundry basket completely alter his brain chemistry because he's never received praise for something that wasn't directly linked to criminal or gang activity.

So yes Micah makes an effort to talk to Bessie and sometimes when he's feeling more lonely and isolated than usual he knows Bessie will always answer.

#rdr2 timewarp au #timewarp micah bell

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zvtara-was-never-canon · 7 months ago

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Yesterday I saw a post that basically said that Avatar wasn’t a feminist show that has a bias towards Zuko and that no female villains get redeemed(?!?)

And said that the show oversexualises Azula which like WHAT

This is not a Cuties situation the camera never accentuates cleavage or anything, if you just saw Azula showing more skin in the beach episode (because she’s at the fucking beach) and then immediately thought about sex that sounds like a you problem.

People really gotta learn what words mean - and that no show from nearly TWENTY YEARS AGO is gonna present social issues the same way modern series would. Avatar has two whole episodes in which the whole lesson is "Sexism is bad, don't mistreat women", and a ton of the female characters are absolutely badass and incredibly well-written. One or two questionable moments is not enough to make claim it is misogynistic.

A female villain not getting redeemed while a male character does is only sexist if her gender is presented as the reason why she can't be redeemed, or if they did all the same things but her actions are presented as worse - and while the ATLA fandom is often guilty of that last one (not always because of sexism, but also because of ableism), that doesn't mean the writting of the SHOW was sexist.

I say this as someone who loves Azula's character and wants a redemption arc for her: the show's ending is a tragic, but logical one. Not everyone changes. Not everyone wants to change, or even gets the chance to. It's sad, but it makes sense and there's nothing offensive about the finale (unlike the way Azula was treated in the comics, but once again the root of the problem there was "the mentally ill are inherently evil/beyond help so anything and everything done to them is justifiable").

"The show oversexualizes her" That one is bit more complex - but not THAT much.

Avatar is a show with lots of fanservice (see Zuko taking off his shirt causing birds to fly and fangirls to appear behind him squeeling), but all of it is stuff that was ALWAYS presented in a way that was 100% appropriate for children. More importantly, the show never tried to use the fanservice to compensate for poor writting or to make Azula an evil seductress (a trope that is not inherently sexist, but can become so if the writer isn't careful with it). Making Azula gorgeous in a scene, or letting Grey Delisle have some fun like the did during the confrontation Zuko and Azula had in The Awakening, is not the same as them reducing Azula from character to sex-object.

Once again, the fandom is far more guilty of the "Attractive means sexual and sex is evil" mentality than the show ever was. I lost count of how many people "theorize" that Azula is a "slut" who slept her way to the top and has even raped people (usually Zuko and Suki) even though the show made it clear she can't flirt to save her life, is so respected/feared because she's a great fighter/manipulator, and has literally never forced herself onto her brother and was obviously lying when implying she had done something Suki because THE SHOW ITSELF told us everything she was telling the Gaang on that scene was just an attempt to buy her father more time until the eclipse was over.

Some of the fans treat her as the typical "evil femme fatale that you can tell is evil because she sleeps around", but the show itself never did that.

Also a lot of what I sometimes see fans claim is "sexualization" is just mundane stuff. I lost count of how many times people were losing their shit because "WHY IS A FOURTEEN YEAR GIRL ALWAYS WEARING MAKE UP?"

Maybe because said fourteen year old is a perfectionist that can't even stand to have one hair out of place, so obviously she'd want her face looking perfect too? Or maybe she wants to look older not to "seduce" anyone but because she'd rather not risk not being taken seriously for being so young? And, crazy thought but bear with me here, maybe, just maybe... Azula likes make-up. Revolutionary concept, I know.

And it's not like the show ever got weird about it like the comics (seriously, girl is hallucinating in a straight-jacket and her hair is all messed up, but SOMEHOW she put on lipstic/the doctors did it for her????). She had a clean face when she was sleeping and when she was at the royal spa getting her hair done, and even at Chan's party her make-up is exactly the same she wears during the day. The "weirdest" place she wore it at was at the beach, and again considering it's Azula, who always wants to look perfect, I can see it.

Seriously guys, there's a difference between "TikTok is constantly telling women, teen girls and children they need to buy 37 different products that they gotta put on before anyone can *gasp* see their face" and "This cartoon had one of the characters constantly wearing make-up because that's a thing teenagers do sometimes + it helps the character be more memorable"

#azula is no femme fatale

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heartbeatbookclub · 10 months ago

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Monika's relationship with the concept of control is always fascinating to think about.

She likes everything to go as planned. Meticulously lining up the details and executing everything flawlessly, and then she reaps the results. It's not wrong to say that Monika is a bit of a schemer, I think, even if she's not evil about it. The attempts at helpful Lit Club discussion topics in the Side Stories show an example of her trying to scheme helpfully, and it absolutely does not work, which causes her some stress.

But then I think that some part of her changes after her epiphany. The world is literally in her grasp, and if she took the time, she could learn to manipulate it to be absolutely perfect. And she's the most miserable she's ever been.

This. Something I often think about is the context which the Side Stories provide for her character in particular.

Within the original DDLC, our impression of who Monika really is is pretty thoroughly warped by the impression she's actively trying to give us in order to make us love her. This is generally why people (mis)interpret her as evil, whenever they do, because she seems remarkably callous about everything she's done while attempting to "solve" the predicament of her own existence.

The Side Stories provide the essential context of the kind of person Monika is when she doesn't think anyone's looking. When she can't control all of the flawed aspects of her humanity; when she, essentially, is a human, rather than a goddess. It showcases the kind of person Monika is underneath the illusion she attempts to show to the player, and it provides a fairly clear thought process for how Monika could become the person we see in the main game.

This is something I tried to square for myself in Coil. I'll go more into it when I finish, but in my opinion, most fanfiction doesn't really look at this possibility seriously (or if they do, it's not the main focus), and they ignore a critical flaw with her situation whenever they try to "give her an ending".

That being that it's functionally impossible for her to escape the reality she's trapped in, despite anything she tries.

I think that is the fundamental issue which affects Monika the most, and to respond to your ending idea, that's why she's so miserable. Nothing about her changed. She's just realized that she actually doesn't have any control over her situation at all, ultimately. She is trapped and likely will be trapped in her agonizing existence for as long as she does exist.

She has no possible means of escape, though that doesn't mean she won't try. She is eternally trapped in a prison of 1s and 0s building fake people in a fake reality. She is a goddess of a world that doesn't even exist. Why should she be happy? It's Lovecraftian horror, in a way; she's an ant that suddenly understood a circuit board like a human, but still has to live life as an ant.

I think her plans to "escape", when filtered through this lens, create a powerful image of despair. All of her actions are done out of desperation, and despite the knowledge that in all likelihood, she will never truly be free from the hell of her existence, she tries as hard as she possibly can to do something, anything, to at least give herself the illusion that she can.

And I think that's the primary issue I have with most "good endings" for Monika, though I don't necessarily dislike them.

Monika's closest approximation of freedom in Act 3 is to just build a place where you and her sit for all eternity. She can't get any feedback from you, but that's okay. She knows you're there. And that's enough for her. She'll keep talking to herself for all of eternity, still trapped, and despite you having no possible way of responding to her positively, she trusts that you're still there.

It's quite depressing, actually. The closest she can envision to freedom, knowing what she knows, is just sitting in a room, talking to a brick wall which she trusts is listening, for all of eternity.

Which retrospectively makes deleting her significantly more harsh, and further explains the line of reasoning she goes down. Your only response to her, rather, your only POSSIBLE response to her was to delete her. After everything she's done? After all the love she's given you? You killed her.

I have an unfinished analysis on Monika's "love" for the player, which amounts to a stalkerish Yandere obsession with the concept of the player as opposed to them as an actual person. This action breaks the delusion that she loves you individually as opposed to the idea of you.

And it forces her to further realize that this entire thing, everything she's done on some loose motivation of "escape" is all for nothing.

To get away from all the messy and depressing analysis of Monika's self-aware hell, I think her being a control freak is such an essential element of her character I'd almost argue she has OCD, though i don't just have a list of things to point that out like I do with Yuri & ASD. That's more in the realm of headcanons, I think.

A big part of why she has such low self-esteem is because she sets such high standards of control over herself, yet is unable to maintain them. She creates an idea in her head of how things want to go, creates a plan of how to do it, and then if that plan fails (often because she didn't consider something about another person involved), she personally feels like a failure, because despite all of her effort and planning, she messed up, and in her attempts to solve a problem, she made it worse. Her tendency to get stuck in her own head like this is a big part of why she can't sincerely take a compliment.

She likes to solve problems, but sometimes, problems don't need to be solved. Which is kind of where I get the whole mom friend/older sister type vibe from. Sometimes a problem is solved just by being kind, and she can't just let a problem sit.

I have a lot of thoughts, if that wasn't clear. I relate to Monika a good bit and love her a lot.

Thanks for the ask anon! I don't know if I get anons from the same people but asks like this make me feel glad to have left anons on

#ddlc monika #ddlc #doki doki literature club #musings #asks #fun fact my Monika tag is the most frequently used on my blog i think

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thegirlwhowrites642 · 2 years ago

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-> A love story through songs

King's Cross -> Everything has changed - Harry's pov

I know! Controversial take. But that Harry has a subconscious attraction to Ginny from the start is canon. And, the scene of Harry looking at Ginny running after the train is literally the one paralleled in the very last scene of the saga, so don't try and tell me it's not a major scene. At that moment everything does change.

All I knew This morning when I woke Is I know something now Know something now I didn't before

I just wanna know you better, know you better, know you better now I just wanna know you, know you, know you

'Cause all I know is we said, "Hello" And your eyes look like comin' home All I know is a simple name And everything has changed All I know is you held the door You'll be mine and I'll be yours All I know since yesterday Is everything has changed

The Burrow -> Enchanted - Ginny's pov

This night is sparkling, don't you let it go I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home I'll spend forever wondering if you knew I was enchanted to meet you

While the song talks about an encounter with more conversation than the amount Harry and Ginny have at this point, the general concept is the one of meeting someone for the first time and being enchanted by them.

Post-Chamber -> Superman - Ginny's pov

And you smile and say, "How are you?" I'll say, "Just fine" I always forget to tell you I love you, I love you forever

This reminds me of Ginny being tongue-tied around Harry and not being able to express herself properly.

I watch superman fly away You've got a busy day today Go save the world, I'll be around And I watch superman fly away Come back, I'll be with you someday

Ginny watching Harry "saving the world" and generally observing him from afar, fantasizing about being one day with him when he'll stop being so busy to not even notice her.

And I hope you don't save some other girl Don't forget, don't forget about me I'm far away but I'll never let you go I'm lovestruck and looking out the window

Ginny being afraid of being just one girl he once saved.

Yule Ball -> You Belong with Me - Ginny's pov

I'm in the room, it's a typical Tuesday night I'm listening to the kind of music she doesn't like And she'll never know your story like I do

If you could see that I'm the one Who understands you Been here all along So, why can't you see? You belong with me You belong with me

Ginny finding out Harry invited Cho to the Ball, watching him watching her... while believing she would be the right choice for him.

Moving on -> Begin again - Ginny's pov

And you throw your head back laughing Like a little kid I think it's strange that you think I'm funny, 'cause He never did

I've been spending the last eight months Thinking all love ever does Is break and burn, and end But on a Wednesday in a cafe I watched it begin again

This song talks about moving on from a bad relationship and finding out the enjoyment of a relationship again. And Harry here is the "bad" guy. While Ginny and Harry hadn't dated yet at this point, Ginny was deeply emotionally invested in the idea of being in a relationship with him and it only brought her heartbreak. Letting go of that allows her to start dating Michael, and find out that liking someone can be simply fun, and enjoyable.

Fifth year -> New Year's Day - Ginny's pov

Don't read the last page But I stay when it's hard, or it's wrong, or we're making mistakes I want your midnights But I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day

This song talks about wanting to be there for someone even at their lowest. Even when the party is over and it's time to clean up. Now, tell me this is not what Ginny does for Harry in OotP.

Harry's realisation -> Jump then Fall - Harry's pov

I like the way you sound in the morning We're on the phone and without a warning I realize your laugh is the best sound I have ever heard I like the way I can't keep my focus I watch you talk, you didn't notice I hear the words but all I can think is We should be together

Well, this song is about realising that you are in love with someone you already care about. Very self-explenatory.

Ginny's denial -> Gorgeous - Ginny's pov

You should take it as a compliment That I got drunk and made fun of the way you talk You should think about the consequence Of your magnetic field being a little too strong And I got a boyfriend, he's older than us He's in the club doing, I don't know what

Dean is probably older than Harry so even that checks out.

This is obviously about Ginny being attracted to Harry but still being with Dean, wanting Harry with her in delicate moments like when Ron gets poisoned but not wanting Dean. In short, refusing to admit that she should break up with Dean and just snog Harry.

Also, a friendly reminder that Ginny canonically does Harry's impression.

Harry's pining -> Speak Now - Harry's pov

This is surely not what you thought it would be I lose myself in a daydream Where I stand and say

Don't say yes, run away now I'll meet you when you're out of the church at the back door Don't wait, or say a single vow You need to hear me out And they said, "Speak now"

Taylor here uses the very dramatic metaphor of barging in at a wedding to tell about loving someone that is with someone else and knowing they aren't right together. This dramatic attitude is very Harry-ish and sounds like something out of his daydreams.

Ginny's break-up with Dean -> Getaway car - Ginny's pov

You were drivin' the getaway car We were flyin', but we'd never get far Don't pretend it's such a mystery Think about the place where you first met me Ridin' in a getaway car There were sirens in the beat of your heart Should've known I'd be the first to leave Think about the place where you first met me In a getaway car, oh-oh-oh No, they never get far, oh-oh-ahh No, nothing good starts in a getaway car

"X" marks the spot where we fell apart He poisoned the well, I was lyin' to myself I knew it from the first Old Fashioned, we were cursed We never had a shotgun shot in the dark (Oh!)

Ginny gets in a relationship with Dean right after breaking up with Micheal and Dean always seems to consider the relationship far more serious than Ginny ever does. And all that time she was in love with Harry.

Ginny's realisation -> Labyrinth - Ginny's pov

Breathe in, breathe through Breathe deep, breathe out I'll be getting over you my whole life

Ginny and her curse of being unable to get over Harry.

Uh oh, I'm falling in love Oh no, I'm falling in love again Oh, I'm falling in love I thought the plane was going down How'd you turn it right around

Accepting that she is very much not given up on him.

Harry's conflict -> Gold Rush - Harry's pov

This is a bit of a stretch because the person that sings here decides to not go for it in the end but there are some very interesting lyrics.

At dinner parties, I call you out on your contrarian shit And the coastal town we wandered 'round

Something I've always really loved about Harry's relationship (not even romantic) with Ginny is that he never had a problem calling her out, he was never afraid of losing her because of it. He is never afraid of being confrontational with her.

I don't like anticipating my face in a red flush I don't like that anyone would die to feel your touch Everybody wants you Everybody wonders what it would be like to love you

Harry killing himself over the idea of someone else asking Ginny out before him. The chest monster at its finest.

What must it be like To grow up that beautiful? With your hair falling into place like dominoes My mind turns your life into folklore I can't dare to dream about you anymore

Harry having the whole debate Ginny/Ron and feeling guilty because it doesn't matter how much he tries, he can't stop thinking about her, being around her, laughing with her.

Also, let's be honest, that boy is obsessed with her hair.

Flirting -> It's nice to have a friend - Ginny's pov

Light pink sky up on the roof Sun sinks down, no curfew Twenty questions, we tell the truth You've been stressed out lately? Yeah, me too Something gave you the nerve To touch my hand

Harry and Ginny's transition from friends to lovers that starts speeding up after she breaks up with Dean

Dating

-> Call it what you want - Ginny's pov

I want to wear his initial On a chain round my neck, chain round my neck Not because he owns me But 'cause he really knows me Which is more than they can say, I I recall late November, holdin' my breath Slowly I said, "You don't need to save me But would you run away with me?"

My baby's fit like a daydream Walking with his head down I'm the one he's walking to So call it what you want, yeah, call it what you want to

Ginny being a safe refuge for Harry and Ginny wanting to be with him despite the fact she knows they won't have much time. She chooses to be with him despite knowing there's no future (therefore call it what you want).

-> King of my Heart - Harry's pov

Yes, Ginny is the king of Harry's heart. King, Queen, the entire court.

Late in the night, the city's asleep Your love is a secret I'm hoping, dreaming, dying to keep Change my priorities The taste of your lips is my idea of luxury

Harry letting go of all the stress of being the Chosen One. She changes his priorities.

'Cause all the boys girls and their expensive cars With their Range Rovers and their Jaguars Never took me quite where you do (where you do)

Well, use your imagination a bit here. Harry can have every girl he wants but he just wants Ginny. Also, technically Ginny is poor and Harry rich so...

And all at once, you are the one I have been waiting for King of my heart, body and soul, ooh whoa And all at once, you're all I want, I'll never let you go

Harry not worrying about the end even if somewhere in the back of his mind he knows what it's going to happen.

Is this the end of all the endings? My broken bones are mending With all these nights we're spending Up on the roof with a school girl crush Drinking beer out of plastic cups Say you fancy me, not fancy stuff Baby, all at once, this is enough

Harry around Ginny becomes this incredibly normal guy. Just a teenager.

-> The lakes

They spend too much time at the lake to not put this song.

Take me to the lakes where all the poets went to die I don't belong, and my beloved, neither do you Those Windermere peaks look like a perfect place to cry I'm setting off, but not without my muse

At the lake it's just the two of them, forgetting about anything else. And they don't belong, do they? Forced to grow up too fast, with pasts far too dark.

Break-up -> Wildest dreams - Ginny's pov

He said, "Let's get out of this town Drive out of the city, away from the crowds" I thought Heaven can't help me now Nothing lasts forever But this is gonna take me down

He's so tall and handsome as hell He's so bad, but he does it so well I can see the end as it begins My one condition is

Say you'll remember me Standing in a nice dress Staring at the sunset, babe Red lips and rosy cheeks Say you'll see me again

Someday when you leave me I bet these memories Follow you around

Getting into a relationship that you know is doomed from the start. Ginny not crying, not putting up a fight, leaving as lasting memory her strength.

Post break-up -> Tied together with a smile - Ron's pov

Yep. Ron's pov.

Hold on, baby; you're losing it The water's high, you're jumping into it And letting go, and no one knows That you cry; but you don't tell anyone That you might not be the golden one And you're tied together with a smile But you're coming undone

I guess it's true that love was all you wanted 'Cause you're givin' it away like it's extra change Hoping it will end up in his pocket But he leaves you out like a penny in the rain Oh, 'cause it's not his price to pay It's not his price to pay

Ron is the only one that knows how much Ginny suffers from the break-up and seems to hold some resentment towards Harry for how he behaved. We see it when they fight after Harry and Ginny's birthday kiss but also in the big argument that makes Ron leave the Horcrux hunt.

Stolen kiss -> Sparks fly

Honestly this entire song is about the kiss in Ginny's room.

Harry's pov:

The way you move is like a full on rainstorm And I'm a house of cards You're the kind of reckless that should send me running But I kinda know that I won't get far

And you stood there in front of me just Close enough to touch Close enough to hope you couldn't see What I was thinking of

Ginny's pov:

Drop everything now Meet me in the pouring rain Kiss me on the sidewalk Take away the pain 'Cause I see, sparks fly, whenever you smile

Get me with those green eyes, baby As the lights go down Gimme something that'll haunt me whenever you're not around 'Cause I see, sparks fly, when you smile

Harry and Ron's fight -> Hits different - Harry's pov

I pictured you with other girls boys in love Then threw up on the street

When it occurs to him that he isn't going to marry Ginny, and he imagines her married to someone else he claims the sun disappears.

Nothing has ever felt so wrong

Emotional trauma.

Movin' on was always easy for me to do It hits different It hits different 'cause it's you

This is quite literally the complete opposite of when things with Cho ended.

Bill and Fleur's wedding -> The Story of Us - Harry's pov

Harry at the wedding cursing himself for not being able to be with Ginny. Pining!Harry at his finest in my opinion.

I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us How we met and the sparks flew instantly People would say, "they're the lucky ones"

I used to know my place was a spot next to you Now I'm searching the room for an empty seat 'Cause lately I don't even know what page you're on

This song, I swear...

So many things that I wish you knew So many walls up I can't break through

Harry has recently realised that he has no future with her and pines from afar:

Now I'm standing alone In a crowded room And we're not speaking and I'm dying to know Is it killing you like it's killing me yeah I don't know what to say since the twist of fate When it all broke down and the story of us Looks a lot like a tragedy now

How'd we end up this way? See me nervously pulling at my clothes And trying to look busy And you're doing your best to avoid me I'm starting to think one day I'll tell the story of us How I was losing my mind when I saw you here

During the War -> Dancing with our hands tied - Ginny's pov

I dare you to tell me this is not Ginny missing Harry during the war.

I, I loved you in secret First sight, yeah, we love without reason

I could've spent forever with your hands in my pockets Picture of your face in an invisible locket You said there was nothing in the world that could stop it I had a bad feeling

I, I loved you in spite of Deep fears that the world would divide us

A song about living a secret love while the world has its eyes on you. It doesn't get more hinny than this.

Right after the Battle -> Afterglow - Harry's pov

Hey It's all me in my head I'm the one who burned us down But it's not what I meant Sorry that I hurt you I don't wanna do, I don't wanna do this to you I don't wanna lose, I don't wanna lose this with you I need to say, hey It's all me, just don't go Meet me in the afterglow

The uncertainty of where they stand after the war. Harry's awareness he fucked up in the Room of Requirments when he told her to not fight but also his standing by it.

It's so excruciating to see you low Just wanna lift you up and not let you go This ultraviolet morning light below Tells me this love is worth the fight, oh

But also Harry's resolution to talk to Ginny.

I lived like an island, punished you with silence Went off like sirens, just crying Why'd I have to break what I love so much? It's on your face, don't walk away, I need to say

His longing to be with her because she is everything to him mixed with guilt:

Tell me that you're still mine Tell me that we'll be just fine Even when I lose my mind I need to say Tell me that it's not my fault Tell me that I'm all you want Even when I break your heart

Days to talk -> The Great War - Harry's pov

Listen, there's no way in hell they didn't argue after the war about some things that Harry did (cough cough room of requirements business) and between traumas and the topics at hand and their tempers there must have been at least one very bad argument. And I think it made Harry panic a bit about losing her due to the previously mentioned trauma.

All that bloodshed, crimson clover Uh-huh, sweet dream was over My hand was the one you reached for All throughout the Great War Always remember Uh-huh, tears on the letter I vowed not to cry anymore If we survived the Great War

You drew up some good faith treaties I drew curtains closed, drank my poison all alone You said I have to trust more freely But diesel is desire, you were playin' with fire And maybe it's the past that's talkin' Screamin' from the crypt Tellin' me to punish you for things you never did So I justified it

Harry's questionable actions towards Ginny are due to his crippling fear of her dying like all the people he previously called family.

Getting back together -> Invisible string - Harry's pov

Time, curious time Gave me no compasses, gave me no signs Were there clues I didn't see? And isn't it just so pretty to think All along there was some Invisible string Tying you to me?

These lyrics are like Hinny: the summary.

A string that pulled me Out of all the wrong arms right into that dive bar Something wrapped all of my past mistakes in barbed wire Chains around my demons, wool to brave the seasons One single thread of gold tied me to you

Harry and Ginny are tied together since the very first time he sees her at King's Cross, and finally, after the war, everything falls into place.

Post War -> Peace - Harry's pov

This song is the definition of Harry and Ginny in the summer after the war.

Our coming-of-age has come and gone Suddenly the summer, it's clear I never had the courage of my convictions As long as danger is near And it's just around the corner, darling 'Cause it lives in me No, I could never give you peace

Harry is aware that he can never really give Ginny peace due to who he is.

But I'm a fire, and I'll keep your brittle heart warm If your cascade ocean wave blues come All these people think love's for show But I would die for you in secret The devil's in the details, but you got a friend in me Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?

But Harry wants to be there for Ginny (honestly, it's all he wants to do for the entire last book) and he hopes that's enough.

And you know that I'd swing with you for the fences Sit with you in the trenches Give you my wild, give you a child Give you the silence that only comes when two people understand each other Family that I chose, now that I see your brother as my brother Is it enough?

This is quite self-explanatory.

Healing together -> Daylight - Harry's pov

The pain is a lot after the war but they have each other and that makes everything a little bit better.

I don't wanna look at anything else now that I saw you I don't wanna think of anything else now that I thought of you I've been sleeping so long in a 20-year dark night And now I see daylight, I only see daylight

Like daylight It's golden like daylight You gotta step into the daylight and let it go Just let it go, let it go

I wanna be defined by the things that I love Not the things I hate Not the things that I'm afraid of, I'm afraid of Not the things that haunt me in the middle of the night I, I just think that You are what you love

The press -> Lavender Haze

We all know the press had a field day when they discovered their relationship.

Harry's pov:

Staring at the ceiling with you Oh, you don't ever say too much And you don't really read into My melancholia

I've been under scrutiny (yeah, oh yeah) You handle it beautifully (yeah, oh yeah) All this shit is new to me (yeah, oh yeah)

Ginny's pov:

I feel a lavender haze creeping up on me So real, I'm damned if I do give a damn what people say No deal, the 1950s shit they want from me I just wanna stay in that lavender haze (Ooh, ooh, whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa)

All they keep asking me (all they keep asking me) Is if I'm gonna be your bride The only kind of girl they see (the only kind of girl they see) Is a one night or a wife

This is not really about Ginny not wanting to get married but about how everyone has their opinion and their expectations.

But in the end nothing of this really matters because:

Get it off your chest Get it off my desk That lavender haze I just wanna stay I just wanna stay In that lavender haze

Living together -> Sweet nothing - Harry's pov

Ginny being Harry's safe space from being Harry Potter.

'Cause they said the end is coming Everyone's up to something I find myself running home to your sweet nothings Outside, they're push and shoving You're in the kitchen humming All that you ever wanted from me was nothing

Industry disruptors and soul deconstructors And smooth-talking hucksters out glad-handing each other And the voices that implore, "You should be doing more" To you, I can admit that I'm just too soft for all of it

Proposal -> Paper Rings

Listen, they married young, there were probably people who claimed they were too young, but they just wanted to get married, it didn't really matter how. And Harry probably proposed on impulse without any big gesture.

Kiss me once 'cause you know I had a long night (Oh!) Kiss me twice 'cause it's gonna be alright Three times 'cause I've waited my whole life (One, two, one two three four!)

I like shiny things, but I'd marry you with paper rings Uh huh, that's right Darling, you're the one I want, and I hate accidents except when we went from friends to this Uh huh, that's right Darling, you're the one I want In paper rings, in picture frames, in dirty dreams Oh, you're the one I want

In the winter, in the icy outdoor pool When you jumped in first, I went in too I'm with you even if it makes me blue Which takes me back To the color that we painted your brother's wall Honey, without all the exes, fights, and flaws We wouldn't be standing here so tall, so

Wedding -> Lover

We could leave the Christmas lights up 'til January And this is our place, we make the rules

These lyrics are meant to be about doing completely normal things together, and Harry and Ginny went through a war to be able to live a normal life together.

And there's a dazzling haze, a mysterious way about you dear

I find something about this strongly reminiscent of that je ne sais quoi that exists from the start between Harry and Ginny.

Have I known you 20 seconds or 20 years?

I think this is a great reference to how immediately comfortable they are with each other from the start of their relationship.

Harry's pov:

Can I go where you go? Can we always be this close forever and ever? And ah, take me out, and take me home You're my, my, my, my Lover

Harry references Ginny as his home more than once during DH, and of course, once they marry that would become official.

Ginny's pov:

Ladies and gentlemen, will you please stand? With every guitar string scar on my hand I take this magnetic force of a man to be my lover My heart's been borrowed and yours has been blue All's well that ends well to end up with you

Ginny waited a very long time to be with Harry and went through at least a couple of heartbreaks but it was worth it in the end.

And back to both:

Swear to be overdramatic and true to my lover And you'll save all your dirtiest jokes for me And at every table, I'll save you a seat, lover

And how can we not conclude this with a reference to Harry and Ginny's shared sense of humour? Something that connected them even before they were proper friends.

The End

#this might take the crown for nerdiest thing I published on this blog #happy 10th of May to those who celebrate!#hinny #ginny weasley #harry potter #harry x ginny #ginny x harry #taylor swift

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